Convention 2016

I have so many thoughts racing through my head, my feet are swollen from being in a car for so long, my wallet is hurting from the drinks and food I purchased, and I am completely exhausted, but that being said I do not think I have ever been so completely happy. Yes, this will be a long post. No, you are not obligated into reading this if I tagged you, but please feel free to browse as I need to express so many things that I never knew existed until this very weekend.

So many people who know me are surprised when I tell them I joined a sorority. I never thought I would rush Greek because of the horror and shame that typically comes along with it. Even when I saw the student paper my freshman year stating a gay sorority was coming to campus. I eventually forgot about it. Even when I started dating someone from it and we spent hours talking about me joining I rejected the idea. I hated the idea of such an institution, but things slowly evolved. I got invited to events, I went to recruitment and then people started asking what was keeping me from joining. I kept trying to make excuses why I could not join, but problematic people left and people wanted me so I thought I would try it out. It wasn’t easy for the longest time. I have this innate belief that everyone secretly hates me (yes, this is trauma induced and not a personal judgement).

Though there have been serious points where I questioned why I joined the people I have connected with and met have always been there. Until this weekend I did not really know any of you except through Facebook and Alyssa talking about the amazing things you have done (yes, she talks about all of you). I thought it was incredible that the strangers on the internet supported me through hard times and it taught me that this was a core value that we desire. All of a sudden though the people on the screen have become people that I have hugged, people that I have almost cried saying goodbye to. I felt myself grow alongside all the people I met and even though it was so much fun there was a lot of learning. I learned about myself, I learned about identity as a group and an individual, I learned that sometimes I should take more risks when I feel scared and vulnerable, and I learned that people will surprise you.

I do not think I stopped smiling once this weekend. The counter is already on for next year, I am planning in my head trips I want to take to visit people while also anticipating nationals coming for their chapter trip, and the feeling that some of the people we look to for leadership feel it is their job to protect us from the world around us.

Sam asked us today to say why we joined and though I often joke that I was forced I realized that until today I never really knew why. I figured out that I joined because I saw so many people doing things together and I wanted to know their secrets. I wanted to know why my partner was willing to be out late at night just to wake early the next day for some organization. I wanted a community that I did not feel on my campus. I found all of these things within GRL. Joining was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Driving home I had lots of time to think and I couldn’t stop thinking of all the people who knew me and were excited that I was around them, sharing space. I almost cry and the look on some people’s faces as I had to say goodbye. I feel so close to this family and I want to protect them with everything I have. Our world is scary and unsafe and I didn’t want to say goodbye because so much can happen before next year, but that’s also why I say I love you so goddamn much.

The hugs I got from people made me realize that our body language speaks volumes. And even with such tragedy happening within our community, itself, there was so much support. There were so much I wanted to say within the letters we wrote for our jars, but there wasn’t enough time to get to explain all the ways you have changed me in just this weekend alone.  I have some people that I feel very close with now and I hope they agree with me because I want to grow closer. Through the dancing, the laughing, the crying, winning multiple awards, and the tequila I can honestly say this will be a convention I will never forget. It reinforced that I belong her and that people want me here. I have so much respect for everyone I met and cannot wait for the future. Thank you to so many for being here. Thank you for being so caring and understanding. And to some of you thank you, just, for being protective. Also, thanks for the endless hugs. I have been hugged until I almost couldn’t breathe, but I need more because those are the ones that I didn’t want to let go of. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Also, I love you.

 

(Here are a couple personal ones, if you read this far) I only did a few, but omg this is the most wonderful group of human beings I have ever been around.

Savannah- You are so brilliant. You are so kind and honest. It has been great seeing you online and you offline is even better. I really do want to talk outside of official things (I know we kind of do, but still). Just please keep being your phenomenal self.

 

Chase- I am completely and utterly grateful that you have entered my life. I didn’t get to say thank you, but feeling as though someone is there that I can talk about identity and misunderstanding of personal feelings is awesome. It meant a lot that you were so willing to talk about things and were open to more conversations. You are doing a great job. Please keep staying funny.

 

Miranda- There is so much I actually want to say to you, but I probably won’t. You are one of the people that I was just so swept away by. I had so much fun dancing with you and understanding more about you. I hope we can stay close and maybe figure some way to do something together because I need to see more of your face!!!I honestly miss you so much already; it is honestly not even funny. You are one of my favoritest people in the whole world and are just such a special star. You deserve the moon. I hope things go well in all that worry you and please know I am ALWAYS here. If you want you can have my number and text me at 3am. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with you, but once we did spend time I didn’t exactly want it to end. Thank you for the dancing and the laughs. Maybe one day we can hang out more and do something, like get food. Also, you owe me wine (not really, but I still wish I had gone with and made sure you were okay). Please keep  evolving. I believe you can do anything. I look forward to snapping with you and talking with you.  I formed a connection with you and that doesn’t happen very often. Thank you for helping with much and I look forward to exploring more with you.

 

 

Taylor- I don’t know why writing yours is so hard. I feel as though I just want to talk to you and be best friends with you. Sorry if that sounds weird,but it was so great getting to know you. It was hard stopping the hug and I was kinda glad to know I was not the only one who didn’t want to be the first one to break the hug. You are so incredibly wonderful and an even more amazing person in real life. I want to skype with you and talk about obscure things that don’t make much sense. I definitely want to play games with you, please let us plan things. Also, please let us try and plan things for next convention because I want to do so much and where ever we are we need to make it amazingly memorable. You are such a fun, incredible spirit. I love your entire vibe and you cracked me up so much this weekend. I cannot even describe how amazing it was to connect to someone. We didn’t spend a lot of time, but it was the small things. You touched me very deeply and it is so appreciated that this was a thing that happened. we can text or snap or whatever if you want as well. Please keep being you. There is not really a word to describe you, but you. Like I said there is so much more I want to say to you, but I really do not know how to form it into sentences. Thank you for helping make this weekend amazing.

Advertisements

A Million Miles Away

Right now, listening to the Fray and scrolling tumblr everything hurts. I am in a public place and I don’t know that I have ever fought so hard not to cry. I am sad. This sounds overrated and generic, but I am in my low pitfall of BPD and I always forget how to function during these times. I need you to guide me, but you won’t answer. My brain overreacts and I am so sorry for everything I need. I am so needy when I am in this place and I don’t know what to do because I have always had people just leave. I am scared of you leaving even though you promise. People promise. People lie. My heart hurts, everything hurts. My eyes hurt from crying so much this year. I promised myself that I would stop saying I’m sorry so much, but I have never met someone whom I thought deserved these words more.

I don’t have a place where I can listen to my music and cry, all the while shaking in my seat because it is all too much for me. I have no idea what to do or where to turn because no one wants me anymore. I didn’t realize until I tried to explain it to you that explaining depression like this to someone who doesn’t get like this is almost impossible. The shame I feel when I look in your eyes after I have become too numb to even form syllables is too much. I cannot speak at times and most of the time I think you understand, but then there are times, times when you go into your own place. I’m selfish, this is a selfish disease. I need you, I need you to hug me when I get quiet. I need you to love on me when I push you away. I cannot handle this. I no longer feel like I have a grip over my life like I once did. I love you, I’m sorry.

Breathe… Just breathe

My throat is constricting and my heart is racing. What the hell was I thinking? I am in the next room and all I want to do is fight. I am angry as hell at myself and there is no one to blame so I turn the shame towards you; I’ve been sorry for a long time, but but I’ve never felt so inclined to apologize for the lies that hold me hostage.

I want to run away from the mess that I have caused. I’m shaking, always shaking. People don’t know how bad I get when I hide in the closet and scream into the clothes that I have no motivation to move into their rightful homes. I am ashamed of my name for it has become a synonym perpendicular to that of the dog shit you wipe off your shoe.

I don’t deserve this and you deserve so much more. I should be ashamed of all that I employ upon you. This is my apology. I need to help the feelings inside, but I am too angry, too sad, the numbness has taken over and the feeling is so terrible I want to rip out my own body so that someone else can have a turn. This is a bad game that has gone awry. I am losing the game and I am the one supposed to be making up my own rules.

My heart pounds, escaping the metronome usually inhabiting behind my rib cage. The showers bouncing off flesh colored cement and forming the ravine that may one day help me escape this god forsaken place. Damn, I thought it would be a lot harder to walk away, but this is what happens when no one asks you to stay.

Sunday

Dear day of the sun please listen to the silent apologies that cross the threshold out of my larynx into the wind. Please stay with me as I gather up my windpipe to utter the words in chronological-I mean alphabetical, I mean, shit. What do I mean? I mean do we ever really mean what we say? And for that matter why are we so mean when we do mean it? I was weaning my tears when my fingers stopped, freezing as though winter entered in the middle of July. It’s June and too soon grades will be due and I will be too because I understand this is the last time I will need to say anything about my grades.

So much tragedy and on such a sugary goodness day. Forgive me for I am cynical of the well being and the well wishes that wash the dirt down the well until we forgive and forget, but please never forget. My tongue is swollen and my spit dried up and the words refuse to exit out the way they came. My tears, however, have never let up. Bursting the dams on treasures buried so long ago. I remember why I refuse to come out and play. I remember why I hide while everyone else slays in their lives. I forgot to live mine a long time ago and it is only now that I am getting my words back.

Why do some of us hate so much? Why were we forced out of the womb that once promised to love us no matter what into the world that promises to hate us no matter what. I have seen so much happiness exuding from the inner lips of my comrades and the irony is that they are the ones who have been screaming. The ones who are silent now, picking up their soldiers, laying out their own funeral clothes are the same ones who have had to shine every rainbow after a rainstorm just for you to remember that they never were swept away by the flood. Storms are beautiful, but with the right force they can become a force to be reckoned with.

Finals

Third times a charm. I took this long to find where I belong. I have not perfected the dance I am wrapped in, but at least this time I understand the steps. The music has become clearer. It uses to sound like a warble meant to be met with a tango. The beautiful croon drifting from the 45 in the corner lifts spirits and forces me to swallow all that could potentially run off. My heart is so full. I am as wired as a screw dangling from the tenth floor stair case precariously trying to find the strength to hold on before it all becomes too much. This seems so much more final. I am in despair. this is so temporary, but so permanent.

The dancer keeps on dancing, I keep on glancing. My eyes jet around the silent stock flooding the already overflowing brick pile holding us to the spot. This is where we have to be. Health gets put on the back burner until it because the black asphalt clinging to the walls like a mother clings to her child before they drift away. The feelings are mutual. i am not leaving yet, but I understand the promise that is being made by me finishing this year. I have one year left, one. I will have to delicately force myself onto the scene to secure the home up in the mountains. I must push through this so that I can travel home a couple hundred miles from here.

I have been home once. I didn’t know what I was missing until I crossed the state line and the air was so fresh I felt as though any allergies was just a government conspiracy to make me wish I were dead. I cried out in joy for the energy that suddenly transformed me toe the sparkle on the red dirt. Photos come up and remind me that I am not home. I have lived here my entire life and never felt quite as clear as I did the single day I spent in that small town. I know it won’t matter where, but it has to be there. You can’t long for something you don’t know you are missing, but I’ll tell you once you find it the sadness and the longing are tidal waves breaking the dam inside giving a damn.

Because sometimes you gotta scream (a little bit louder)

I gotta get this off my chest
Nothing matters, nothing yet
Running in circles,
too bad it’s all just in my head.
The sepia steam rumbled between parched lips
Running my throat dry until you said goodnight
There was no hope when I was younger, now
No hope till I’m stronger, but how?
I used to cry and then I stopped running,
Floundering, sobbing, I was flying.
Drowning, pouring,
Now, I just feel plain boring.
Years ago I ran out of things to say.
My throat a mountain of crumpled up sandpaper,
I stopped talking a while ago.

I found my edge and my confidence, confiding in the chiming tides of the
ebbs and flows of the seashore sharing my inner core.
I feel as though I am running out of time but I am honestly just probably
just running this line. I made it myself out of tears and lies.
Come with me.
Rise.
..

….
…..
I’m growing, showing, I’m ready to share. Nothing really matters, or does it?
I’ve ruined the past,
but that is why it’s history.
We are in the presence of the present and that is truly the present present
we are presented with. Love me, tell me I am hopeless. I am here.
Fight me and push me around. Tell me what I am doing wrong.
I am always wrong,
at least that’s what they told me. Tell me I am wrong.They pushed me around
and told me I was wrong. I was always wrong.

Sometimes it is all too much

I haven’t written in so long. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to, but I just haven’t. I honestly think there is a correlation between me writing things out and the feelings that build up. I feel that sometimes I am too hard on myself and the people I love and it is a negative experience.

This entry will be all about what has been happening lately. I think people should read it and if they don’t then I guess that is that.

I want to preface this by apologizing. I know I said I wasn’t going to do that this year, but this is as sincere as I can make it. If you read this then you will understand. 

I consider myself to be a person who is very ambiaverted. I like to go out and be social with people, but I have a level that is very introverted. If I push myself too much socially when I am at this point then I get overwhelmed. This is something I did not completely understand until this week. I have been crying, a lot. So much water coming out of my eyes, no wonder I am dehydrated. Haha (joke).No, but seriously, my feelings have been all over the place. That’s a lie, they have been in one place- deep down inside. I have been so sad this week. Not just sad, but sad sad. The kind of sad that people forget is an actual issue and instead try to romanticize it. It feels as though I am a house that everyone forgot to turn the utilities on for. Not quite. I don’t actually know how to say it so that other people can get the feeling just right. Just know that what I am feeling is down, dark, and restless.

At first I thought I was stressed. I have four papers due today, a quiz, an outside assignment I still have to do that was due Wednesday, and quizzes I am doing today so I don’t have to worry about them tomorrow. That is a lot when it is set down. I am stressed, but that is manageable, that is fine. This isn’t stress. Was it something that someone did? No, I have gone through that. I have actually been more at peace with the people I have been around than normal. So what is it?

It’s many things!!! (YAY!!! I hear you cheering, right?)

I have been sick, I didn’t go to a class and a meeting, I then stood in the rain with my backpack open, I then froze, I then ran across campus for something that was pointless, I tried for something that was pointless, I worked on something that equated to something pointless. Yes, I am sad. I am sad at the events, but I am sad because I am missing important things that I would normally do at this time of the year because of how busy I am and my lack of transportation. I don’t get to do certain things because it would require depending on other people and that would require working around their schedule because they aren’t as flexible. I am sad because I am going to look like an idiot taking a quiz I wasn’t able to study for, I am sad that my professor purposely made his tests harder because his students did well. I am sad because I am cold. I am sad because I am always sick or in pain. I am sad that I am always disappointing people. I am sad that the things I have been unable to do this week has resulted in a mountain. I am sad because I can’t instantaneously fix this. I am sad because I hate disappointing people. I hate when people are upset with me. I honestly cannot take it because it hurts my soul. I am sad that I cannot participate in class at times because my throat swells up and I forget what I was going to say and then run around in a circle and then end up saying the wrong thing.

This brings me to my next point. My anxiety has hit an all time high. I have been having it hit from all spots in my life. I am anxious at school, at home, when I am asleep. Nothing makes sense, but this is what has been happening. I am strung out. I am not even stressed about school anymore. I am stressed, but not.

Difficult, see what I mean? I can’t breathe, I break down at anything and everything. Yesterday I cried on my bathroom floor because Alyssa huffed at the game and I thought she was getting mad at me. I have befriended so many bathroom floors this week I think I should start paying rent. I can’t breathe. I am so angry. I am so miserable. I am pissed and frustrated and so, so, so sad.

So how does this tie into the reason I was apologizing? Well, I have not been able to do anything this week. I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone and being touched makes me cringe. It is so bad because I have reverted back to the way that if I say something and the person doesn’t know what I am talking about or if someone looks at me in a strange way then I get really panicky and just shut down. I have gone so inside myself that I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I have no motivation to do the things that I need to do, but I also have the high anxiety factor reminding me of the little amount of time I have left in order to get things out of the way and turned in on time. Example, if I have an assignment I forget I won’t send my professor an email because I freak out and shut down because in my mind they automatically don’t care. I cannot do this, but I have to. I am broken, but I am not done.

So, my friend who has somehow remained through all of this, thank you. Also, I’m sorry. Sorry for cancelling, for replying with one words, for averting my eyes when I see you looking because they are glassy from the rainstorm I just walked through. I’m sorry for wanting to run away, and actually doing so. I’m sorry that when I get like this I get so dark and narrow-minded that I can’t reciprocate the love that I know comes from you. I’m sorry that when I laugh you can hear the echo from the hallow chrome between my throat and my lungs. I’m at the point where when my phone vibrates it makes me feel sick because it means people need something. I’m sorry for not being involved. I’m sorry for being withdrawn.

I’m so sorry, my friend, I am.