Label; the connection of society

via Daily Prompt: Label

I thought it would be cool to do this. Write a response to the one word prompt; the prompt that had everything to do with what I was going to write about this anyway, but the connection was too much I had to talk about how identity flows through us in the we interact with ourselves. How do we get it out of society who we should be?

It starts with who we were born to. The doctor looked at our parents, or our test tubes, and labelled us. They took us, cleaned us, and then gave us a blanket corresponding with our predicted life choices. WE grow up and they expect us to act out exactly what they want us to do, but in reality we rarely do exactly what is expected of us. We mainly do what we want.

So why then is being ourselves so controversial? WE just want to be who we are and sometimes that requires changing how other people see us. Is that so bad? Is it really that wrong to want to show the world exactly who we we have always been, but that the world is just now getting to meet?

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Introducing me

This year I realized how much I was lying to myself.  I haven’t felt happy in a long time. There has been a lot that I didn’t want to admit to myself.

The first thing I should probably say is Hi! My name is Arin Alexander and my pronouns are he/him. I have always been, I just lied.

I haven’t had the dedication to write or acknowledge what has been going on. I love the people in my life I have just been so afraid of coming out. I don’t know why. I know they would be supportive and I know that most of them would love me the same, but coming out to myself has been a challenge. It hurts some days and then the other days it’s too easy to pretend. I think I will start this new writing challenge with something that seems so simple, but is in all actuality very difficult. I shall start with a letter to myself.

Dear self,

I’m sorry I act as though I’ve never liked you. It isn’t you, it’s me, we. I think our problem started when we tried to trick everyone else. We went too far the opposite of what we were trying to accomplish that we forgot along the way how we act. We praise and promote equality and make it so that everyone has access to the same content, but we are so hard on ourselves. You are so mean to yourself that you hurt rather than face facts. I want to be happy, but you won’t let us. Instead we are constantly fumbling making excuses, trying to explain away all this feeling of guilt and shame. Why should we be shameful? I am throwing caution to the wind. I am saying that I am trans. I am the person that I always knew I was. We would tell others that we would trade anything to be a boy (1st grade), exclaim how deep our voice was and how much it made us sound like a boy (2nd grade), how I would always be the prince in all our scenarios (all the grades), and of course I had that awkward phase where everything had to be pink, I had to wear dresses, etc. I did all the things. I never felt comfortable and I never questioned why.

You can be you. We will fight through all the obstacles. We can make sure that we fight hard. This will be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. I can’t wait to see all the things you do. You deserve this.

Be happy, your past self,

Arin ❤

 

Abnormal Thoughts

Today in class we were talking about the different forms of depression. He brought up suicide and I was thinking about the phrase This makes me want to die. I say it when something terrible happens. My body is really sensitive to lights, sounds, etc. and certain things make me want to claw my face off. I say this phrase and I get chastised to not say it anymore. 

Okay?

People have made this phrase such a joke that I cannot honestly say this phrase without having at least one person who thinks they know me or some stranger who wants to look like the best person jump down my throat and tell me that it shouldn’t be a joke and I need to stop. 

Why do we do that? 

We hush people. We tell people what we think they should be saying, especially if we don’t know them. 

Why is mental health such a taboo topic? Why is there such an issue to talk about what is wrong? We act as though there is no issue, but it is more likely in college that someone will miss class/ a meeting/ homework etc. due to a mental illness than being physically ill. Anytime I have been sick I will go to class, but I have missed months of class because I can’t get out of bed. I am paying thousands of dollars to be miserable. 

I wish that I could scream I. AM. NOT. OKAY. and someone would hear me. If you hear me then I hear you. Trust me, I understand that there are issues you are going through and I am here for you. 

This is the first post I have made in a year and that is because I feel like there is no point. No point to me trying, no point to caring, but I think it is the lack of words that has caused me to close myself off from the world. I have missed expressing my feelings. I have missed doing the word thing. 

Musing from Inside

I am in the middle of a rainstorm. You are the thunder and the lightening and as frightened a I am I also know that I will be just fine. Everything has a rhyme and a reason and this is the season where my colors start to fade. Maybe I need to go away. This was the wake up call that people say things that when they are no in the middle. I have grown up with people telling me exactly what my relationships should look like, how I should act, and what I should be okay with.

This week has been difficult already. I know that I am no fun to be around. I am constantly on the verge of tears, my heart hurts, my head hurts, and I really just want to disappear. I am not okay and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am not okay, I am not okay, I am not okay. I just need to scream, I need to vent, I need to write words that people will read and not yell at. This is me expressing the hurt inside. Things are broken, things hurt. I have hit my bottom again and don’t know how yet I will be clawing my way out. I have no idea why everything feels this way.

I have this issue where if someone has ever felt a way towards me or said something negative towards me I never forget. I don’t do it on purpose, my anxiety will pull it out whenever I have to interact with you. Things are just too blah right now. I will write more later, better later.

Convention 2016

I have so many thoughts racing through my head, my feet are swollen from being in a car for so long, my wallet is hurting from the drinks and food I purchased, and I am completely exhausted, but that being said I do not think I have ever been so completely happy. Yes, this will be a long post. No, you are not obligated into reading this if I tagged you, but please feel free to browse as I need to express so many things that I never knew existed until this very weekend.

So many people who know me are surprised when I tell them I joined a sorority. I never thought I would rush Greek because of the horror and shame that typically comes along with it. Even when I saw the student paper my freshman year stating a gay sorority was coming to campus. I eventually forgot about it. Even when I started dating someone from it and we spent hours talking about me joining I rejected the idea. I hated the idea of such an institution, but things slowly evolved. I got invited to events, I went to recruitment and then people started asking what was keeping me from joining. I kept trying to make excuses why I could not join, but problematic people left and people wanted me so I thought I would try it out. It wasn’t easy for the longest time. I have this innate belief that everyone secretly hates me (yes, this is trauma induced and not a personal judgement).

Though there have been serious points where I questioned why I joined the people I have connected with and met have always been there. Until this weekend I did not really know any of you except through Facebook and Alyssa talking about the amazing things you have done (yes, she talks about all of you). I thought it was incredible that the strangers on the internet supported me through hard times and it taught me that this was a core value that we desire. All of a sudden though the people on the screen have become people that I have hugged, people that I have almost cried saying goodbye to. I felt myself grow alongside all the people I met and even though it was so much fun there was a lot of learning. I learned about myself, I learned about identity as a group and an individual, I learned that sometimes I should take more risks when I feel scared and vulnerable, and I learned that people will surprise you.

I do not think I stopped smiling once this weekend. The counter is already on for next year, I am planning in my head trips I want to take to visit people while also anticipating nationals coming for their chapter trip, and the feeling that some of the people we look to for leadership feel it is their job to protect us from the world around us.

Sam asked us today to say why we joined and though I often joke that I was forced I realized that until today I never really knew why. I figured out that I joined because I saw so many people doing things together and I wanted to know their secrets. I wanted to know why my partner was willing to be out late at night just to wake early the next day for some organization. I wanted a community that I did not feel on my campus. I found all of these things within GRL. Joining was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Driving home I had lots of time to think and I couldn’t stop thinking of all the people who knew me and were excited that I was around them, sharing space. I almost cry and the look on some people’s faces as I had to say goodbye. I feel so close to this family and I want to protect them with everything I have. Our world is scary and unsafe and I didn’t want to say goodbye because so much can happen before next year, but that’s also why I say I love you so goddamn much.

The hugs I got from people made me realize that our body language speaks volumes. And even with such tragedy happening within our community, itself, there was so much support. There were so much I wanted to say within the letters we wrote for our jars, but there wasn’t enough time to get to explain all the ways you have changed me in just this weekend alone.  I have some people that I feel very close with now and I hope they agree with me because I want to grow closer. Through the dancing, the laughing, the crying, winning multiple awards, and the tequila I can honestly say this will be a convention I will never forget. It reinforced that I belong her and that people want me here. I have so much respect for everyone I met and cannot wait for the future. Thank you to so many for being here. Thank you for being so caring and understanding. And to some of you thank you, just, for being protective. Also, thanks for the endless hugs. I have been hugged until I almost couldn’t breathe, but I need more because those are the ones that I didn’t want to let go of. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Also, I love you.

 

(Here are a couple personal ones, if you read this far) I only did a few, but omg this is the most wonderful group of human beings I have ever been around.

Savannah- You are so brilliant. You are so kind and honest. It has been great seeing you online and you offline is even better. I really do want to talk outside of official things (I know we kind of do, but still). Just please keep being your phenomenal self.

 

Chase- I am completely and utterly grateful that you have entered my life. I didn’t get to say thank you, but feeling as though someone is there that I can talk about identity and misunderstanding of personal feelings is awesome. It meant a lot that you were so willing to talk about things and were open to more conversations. You are doing a great job. Please keep staying funny.

 

Miranda- There is so much I actually want to say to you, but I probably won’t. You are one of the people that I was just so swept away by. I had so much fun dancing with you and understanding more about you. I hope we can stay close and maybe figure some way to do something together because I need to see more of your face!!!I honestly miss you so much already; it is honestly not even funny. You are one of my favoritest people in the whole world and are just such a special star. You deserve the moon. I hope things go well in all that worry you and please know I am ALWAYS here. If you want you can have my number and text me at 3am. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with you, but once we did spend time I didn’t exactly want it to end. Thank you for the dancing and the laughs. Maybe one day we can hang out more and do something, like get food. Also, you owe me wine (not really, but I still wish I had gone with and made sure you were okay). Please keep  evolving. I believe you can do anything. I look forward to snapping with you and talking with you.  I formed a connection with you and that doesn’t happen very often. Thank you for helping with much and I look forward to exploring more with you.

 

 

Taylor- I don’t know why writing yours is so hard. I feel as though I just want to talk to you and be best friends with you. Sorry if that sounds weird,but it was so great getting to know you. It was hard stopping the hug and I was kinda glad to know I was not the only one who didn’t want to be the first one to break the hug. You are so incredibly wonderful and an even more amazing person in real life. I want to skype with you and talk about obscure things that don’t make much sense. I definitely want to play games with you, please let us plan things. Also, please let us try and plan things for next convention because I want to do so much and where ever we are we need to make it amazingly memorable. You are such a fun, incredible spirit. I love your entire vibe and you cracked me up so much this weekend. I cannot even describe how amazing it was to connect to someone. We didn’t spend a lot of time, but it was the small things. You touched me very deeply and it is so appreciated that this was a thing that happened. we can text or snap or whatever if you want as well. Please keep being you. There is not really a word to describe you, but you. Like I said there is so much more I want to say to you, but I really do not know how to form it into sentences. Thank you for helping make this weekend amazing.

A Million Miles Away

Right now, listening to the Fray and scrolling tumblr everything hurts. I am in a public place and I don’t know that I have ever fought so hard not to cry. I am sad. This sounds overrated and generic, but I am in my low pitfall of BPD and I always forget how to function during these times. I need you to guide me, but you won’t answer. My brain overreacts and I am so sorry for everything I need. I am so needy when I am in this place and I don’t know what to do because I have always had people just leave. I am scared of you leaving even though you promise. People promise. People lie. My heart hurts, everything hurts. My eyes hurt from crying so much this year. I promised myself that I would stop saying I’m sorry so much, but I have never met someone whom I thought deserved these words more.

I don’t have a place where I can listen to my music and cry, all the while shaking in my seat because it is all too much for me. I have no idea what to do or where to turn because no one wants me anymore. I didn’t realize until I tried to explain it to you that explaining depression like this to someone who doesn’t get like this is almost impossible. The shame I feel when I look in your eyes after I have become too numb to even form syllables is too much. I cannot speak at times and most of the time I think you understand, but then there are times, times when you go into your own place. I’m selfish, this is a selfish disease. I need you, I need you to hug me when I get quiet. I need you to love on me when I push you away. I cannot handle this. I no longer feel like I have a grip over my life like I once did. I love you, I’m sorry.

Breathe… Just breathe

My throat is constricting and my heart is racing. What the hell was I thinking? I am in the next room and all I want to do is fight. I am angry as hell at myself and there is no one to blame so I turn the shame towards you; I’ve been sorry for a long time, but but I’ve never felt so inclined to apologize for the lies that hold me hostage.

I want to run away from the mess that I have caused. I’m shaking, always shaking. People don’t know how bad I get when I hide in the closet and scream into the clothes that I have no motivation to move into their rightful homes. I am ashamed of my name for it has become a synonym perpendicular to that of the dog shit you wipe off your shoe.

I don’t deserve this and you deserve so much more. I should be ashamed of all that I employ upon you. This is my apology. I need to help the feelings inside, but I am too angry, too sad, the numbness has taken over and the feeling is so terrible I want to rip out my own body so that someone else can have a turn. This is a bad game that has gone awry. I am losing the game and I am the one supposed to be making up my own rules.

My heart pounds, escaping the metronome usually inhabiting behind my rib cage. The showers bouncing off flesh colored cement and forming the ravine that may one day help me escape this god forsaken place. Damn, I thought it would be a lot harder to walk away, but this is what happens when no one asks you to stay.