via Daily Prompt: Label
I thought it would be cool to do this. Write a response to the one word prompt; the prompt that had everything to do with what I was going to write about this anyway, but the connection was too much I had to talk about how identity flows through us in the we interact with ourselves. How do we get it out of society who we should be?
It starts with who we were born to. The doctor looked at our parents, or our test tubes, and labelled us. They took us, cleaned us, and then gave us a blanket corresponding with our predicted life choices. WE grow up and they expect us to act out exactly what they want us to do, but in reality we rarely do exactly what is expected of us. We mainly do what we want.
So why then is being ourselves so controversial? WE just want to be who we are and sometimes that requires changing how other people see us. Is that so bad? Is it really that wrong to want to show the world exactly who we we have always been, but that the world is just now getting to meet?
I am in the middle of a rainstorm. You are the thunder and the lightening and as frightened a I am I also know that I will be just fine. Everything has a rhyme and a reason and this is the season where my colors start to fade. Maybe I need to go away. This was the wake up call that people say things that when they are no in the middle. I have grown up with people telling me exactly what my relationships should look like, how I should act, and what I should be okay with.
This week has been difficult already. I know that I am no fun to be around. I am constantly on the verge of tears, my heart hurts, my head hurts, and I really just want to disappear. I am not okay and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am not okay, I am not okay, I am not okay. I just need to scream, I need to vent, I need to write words that people will read and not yell at. This is me expressing the hurt inside. Things are broken, things hurt. I have hit my bottom again and don’t know how yet I will be clawing my way out. I have no idea why everything feels this way.
I have this issue where if someone has ever felt a way towards me or said something negative towards me I never forget. I don’t do it on purpose, my anxiety will pull it out whenever I have to interact with you. Things are just too blah right now. I will write more later, better later.
Right now, listening to the Fray and scrolling tumblr everything hurts. I am in a public place and I don’t know that I have ever fought so hard not to cry. I am sad. This sounds overrated and generic, but I am in my low pitfall of BPD and I always forget how to function during these times. I need you to guide me, but you won’t answer. My brain overreacts and I am so sorry for everything I need. I am so needy when I am in this place and I don’t know what to do because I have always had people just leave. I am scared of you leaving even though you promise. People promise. People lie. My heart hurts, everything hurts. My eyes hurt from crying so much this year. I promised myself that I would stop saying I’m sorry so much, but I have never met someone whom I thought deserved these words more.
I don’t have a place where I can listen to my music and cry, all the while shaking in my seat because it is all too much for me. I have no idea what to do or where to turn because no one wants me anymore. I didn’t realize until I tried to explain it to you that explaining depression like this to someone who doesn’t get like this is almost impossible. The shame I feel when I look in your eyes after I have become too numb to even form syllables is too much. I cannot speak at times and most of the time I think you understand, but then there are times, times when you go into your own place. I’m selfish, this is a selfish disease. I need you, I need you to hug me when I get quiet. I need you to love on me when I push you away. I cannot handle this. I no longer feel like I have a grip over my life like I once did. I love you, I’m sorry.
My throat is constricting and my heart is racing. What the hell was I thinking? I am in the next room and all I want to do is fight. I am angry as hell at myself and there is no one to blame so I turn the shame towards you; I’ve been sorry for a long time, but but I’ve never felt so inclined to apologize for the lies that hold me hostage.
I want to run away from the mess that I have caused. I’m shaking, always shaking. People don’t know how bad I get when I hide in the closet and scream into the clothes that I have no motivation to move into their rightful homes. I am ashamed of my name for it has become a synonym perpendicular to that of the dog shit you wipe off your shoe.
I don’t deserve this and you deserve so much more. I should be ashamed of all that I employ upon you. This is my apology. I need to help the feelings inside, but I am too angry, too sad, the numbness has taken over and the feeling is so terrible I want to rip out my own body so that someone else can have a turn. This is a bad game that has gone awry. I am losing the game and I am the one supposed to be making up my own rules.
My heart pounds, escaping the metronome usually inhabiting behind my rib cage. The showers bouncing off flesh colored cement and forming the ravine that may one day help me escape this god forsaken place. Damn, I thought it would be a lot harder to walk away, but this is what happens when no one asks you to stay.
Trying hard to think of the proper words to say. Don’t laugh at me: I never do this, but alas this time I must. I feel it would be a lie from myself if I told you that I wasn’t impacted by this great man. So many times we complain about the shit in our lives and we think about how hard our lives our. There are people who put so much our in their lifetime to influence others and we never know they are suffering. It is so difficult to understand how death selects its victims, but the people lately have been done in from cancer and that is such a tragedy, but more than likely if it is cancer it has been there for a while and therefore their suffering and pain, by death’s march, has been ended. Those who spend their lives trying to entertain us and make us happy would not want us falling down in fits of tears. Sure, at first it may seem touching (I know the pain is there and how much it hurts is just too much), but they built this legacy and there is a reason we want to cry so why not celebrate? They are no longer hurting, they are fine,they went out while they were ahead. I know some of you did not appreciate the character Rickman portrayed in Potter, but I, for one, enjoyed it because yes, he was a pretentious ass, and yes, he did make life difficult, but he never allowed Harry to die.
He did his own thing, but also that was just his character. He always was an interesting character. I grew up watching him and he was one of the only actors I felt the connection to watch all their work. He was inspiring and incredible and I am saddened that there were not more works he was in as of late. He was hilarious and I loved his voice. I know, many of you think this is silly, but looking at my timeline and seeing so many of my friends mourning the loss of this actor I am fairly certain I have chosen the right friends to surround myself with and I am grateful that we are all in this together. While I unfortunately do not have Hitchhikers Guide nor do I have Sweeney Todd I at least have Harry Potter. I also can watch “epic tea time with Alan Rickman” as many times as I want because really, how awesome is it?
I just want to take this time to say I love you. I know it sounds silly, but if you are at all reading this then you are in my life and therefore a friend. I love you whether we have never met or I talk to you all the time. You are here and you are alive and tomorrow is never guaranteed. I don’t want to take you for granted and think we have all the time in the world. You bring light into my life and forever for that I will be grateful. Thank you all so much for everything. I am very thankful you are here today and I hope to see you tomorrow. Breathe, exist, you are important and you belong. I believe in you. Always.
❤ ~A fellow Slytherin ~ ❤
Fifty million tabs are open on the computer and it’s all because I want to deny everything that I have to do. I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life, but I know that I have too much to do. FOB fired up and my fingers ready for typing and nothing wants to come out.
This has been my day. I had a final and my brain could not remember the word mood. I could not remember such a simple term and I feel stupid. I always want to write a small letter to my professors and apologize to them for me being an idiot. I am usually good with words, but when it comes to telling you words that match the definition on a final i do not know. I will know things, but because it is a test I will forget everything I have ever learned about everything.
Every grade entered in my stats class is like a frozen knife cutting apart my soul. It sounds stupid, but how the hell can I keep getting 8.5, 5, 6.5 out of 15? I got a higher score on an assignment I ripped a page out of than the one I thought I actually understood. I UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THIS IS REFERRING TO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BRAIN???
All my life I have been told I am smart. I am smart, I think. Honestly, college makes me think I am the dumbest thing to walk. I had to hold my breath during my final so the tears wouldn’t well up and ruin the precious papers handed out to us.
It isn’t that important…
You are worth so much more than your grade…
As long as you pass that is all that matters…
*choke on breath*
*run out of classroom*
Care for yourself, take care of yourself, you are more important than your finals. But those are all lies. The school system lies to us. We are drones absorbing useless information to memorize and chastized when our throats close up and we choke on the bile that desires asking what the hell and telling that we do not understand.
i don’t understand. and right now I cannot continue pretending I know
I cannot possibly do this.
It is impossible for me to go on.
The tears soak the inside of my brain and my heart stalls for I can Not possibly continue on this journey.
The thoughts in brain are a race car in a civilian neighborhood. Nothing about this is normal and yet so much I am used to. I don’t know how to change. The worst part about it?
I thought I was getting better.
My bones are rubbing together forcing music out with my breath. I cannot breathe. I cannot think. I have finals and all I want to do is pretend to be someone else. This is where it hits the hardest.
The deathly looks I get when I say I cannot afford something for charity, because I literally just gave to charity. I am panic stricken as I face down my own tone when something doesn’t go right, but then I whisper my apologies and dwell in my own personal hell that doesn’t have any right to exist. I am fine, but my brain likes to swirl like the teletubbies custard. My stomach recoils and desires the emptying of its nonexistent contents. I just wish I knew that I could do it, but my brain doesn’t work that way.
Instead I will sit here watching my Facebook tab, holding my breath for the name to pop up on the screen, and then squeezing my eyes shut when disappointed. It is my fault and that is all I know.
It isn’t my fault. I overreacted, but no one is at fault.This is just something stupid that happens sometimes. My brain brought gasoline.
I want to be different. I want something about me to stand out, but that very sentiment puts me in the box to be the same. I feel dull and alone. There is no true answer to who I should be and I don’t know what to do with that.
All I know is that I am not okay and it is all in my head.