Lullaby

I am sitting here

thinking about last night

I thought everything seemed alright

But today, my love, you are uptight

 

Whatever we are going through

I need this to matter to me and you

I can’t stand it anymore

Maybe I’m running away

 

Convenient that I am getting blamed for the mess

But I tried my best

You fought nail and teeth

My heart wasn’t even cold before you moved on

 

You spit out the name of our love

You tried to promise me things

But broke an already broken heart

And now your playing with the ashes

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No one will read this so I’ll be honest

I don’t know how to feel right now. All I know is that I am going to validate myself. I hate the word valid, but it is so fitting here. I am having feelings and these feelings are mine to have. Do not tell me I should not feel this way because I am the one processing.
You have your feelings and I have mine. Right now I have a lot of thoughts spinning and I am sad. I can’t stop listening to this song on repeat because it is the only thing that makes your name stop rolling around in my head.

It is this that has made me realize that it is never one sided. There is never just one side to blame. You can’t hold up two puzzle pieces and automatically know the whole story, but this is where my brain comes in. Everyone blames my brain. I am too much. I think too much. No one can handle me. I agree because I can barely handle me, but I’m stuck with me.

EVERYONE ALWAYS BLAMES ME AND THEN FUCKING WONDERS WHY I HAVE SO MANY GODDAMNED ISSUES, BUT THE THING IS I DIDN’T JUST GET THIS WAY YOU ASSHOLES!!!!!!

Do you know what it is like to have people promise you that everything is fine, but then find out they were cheating on you the whole time. Then the next time you find someone you are worried about all of those things, but as soon as you get comfortable the carpet gets ripped out from underneath you?

Don’t get me wrong; I know I have issues, but all I am saying is I finally realized that it isn’t completely on me. I am finally at peace with blaming myself. I overthink things and I make things bad, but I have also been conditioned to think this way.

People don’t see that I care so much it hurts. I also see what is right in front of me. I have an uncanny knack for knowing when something is up (which has proven itself twice this week alone). And when I tell these things to people they gaslight me. “Sorry, here is an excuse. No nothing was going on. You have nothing to worry about”. I go from worrying to thinking I am downright stupid, but then when it comes out with the aha! moment of all this then I get angry and feel hurt, but people act like I shouldn’t feel hurt because they did nothing to me. You lied to me. You made up excuses and made me feel like shit about myself. I am finally starting to understand my self worth. I am understanding what I need to do to better myself. But how can I prove that things would be better/ I am working hard when no one will fucking listen to me.

I hate when people won’t talk to me because they are afraid of my reaction because I guarantee my reaction will be 10x the more negative if I find out later because I will suddenly doubt everything you ever said. I will doubt everything about you. I love hard and I are harder, but once you break my trust you will have a hell of a time getting it back.

I love you. I will always love you. I want to be in a relationship ( any kind) with you. But can I trust you to be open with me?

What’s it like to think like you?

Do you ever think what it’s like to run away? We talk about kids running away, but what about the adults? Why is it not such an issue? There needs to be a conversation to be had about ways that we can escape, but with the opportunity to come back. It seems to me as though all these quests to fix people with mental illness come up short for the answer of how to get them “fixed”.

Why are you like this?

Why do we think we must fight to be right? Why are we not able to help those who need it without finding something for ourselves? My brain is calling out for the answers. I am swirling with the questions that other people are too scared to ask. I am ruminating on the qualms that my existence creates. Half of the time I don’t even feel like trying. 

Label; the connection of society

via Daily Prompt: Label

I thought it would be cool to do this. Write a response to the one word prompt; the prompt that had everything to do with what I was going to write about this anyway, but the connection was too much I had to talk about how identity flows through us in the we interact with ourselves. How do we get it out of society who we should be?

It starts with who we were born to. The doctor looked at our parents, or our test tubes, and labelled us. They took us, cleaned us, and then gave us a blanket corresponding with our predicted life choices. WE grow up and they expect us to act out exactly what they want us to do, but in reality we rarely do exactly what is expected of us. We mainly do what we want.

So why then is being ourselves so controversial? WE just want to be who we are and sometimes that requires changing how other people see us. Is that so bad? Is it really that wrong to want to show the world exactly who we we have always been, but that the world is just now getting to meet?

Musing from Inside

I am in the middle of a rainstorm. You are the thunder and the lightening and as frightened a I am I also know that I will be just fine. Everything has a rhyme and a reason and this is the season where my colors start to fade. Maybe I need to go away. This was the wake up call that people say things that when they are no in the middle. I have grown up with people telling me exactly what my relationships should look like, how I should act, and what I should be okay with.

This week has been difficult already. I know that I am no fun to be around. I am constantly on the verge of tears, my heart hurts, my head hurts, and I really just want to disappear. I am not okay and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am not okay, I am not okay, I am not okay. I just need to scream, I need to vent, I need to write words that people will read and not yell at. This is me expressing the hurt inside. Things are broken, things hurt. I have hit my bottom again and don’t know how yet I will be clawing my way out. I have no idea why everything feels this way.

I have this issue where if someone has ever felt a way towards me or said something negative towards me I never forget. I don’t do it on purpose, my anxiety will pull it out whenever I have to interact with you. Things are just too blah right now. I will write more later, better later.

A Million Miles Away

Right now, listening to the Fray and scrolling tumblr everything hurts. I am in a public place and I don’t know that I have ever fought so hard not to cry. I am sad. This sounds overrated and generic, but I am in my low pitfall of BPD and I always forget how to function during these times. I need you to guide me, but you won’t answer. My brain overreacts and I am so sorry for everything I need. I am so needy when I am in this place and I don’t know what to do because I have always had people just leave. I am scared of you leaving even though you promise. People promise. People lie. My heart hurts, everything hurts. My eyes hurt from crying so much this year. I promised myself that I would stop saying I’m sorry so much, but I have never met someone whom I thought deserved these words more.

I don’t have a place where I can listen to my music and cry, all the while shaking in my seat because it is all too much for me. I have no idea what to do or where to turn because no one wants me anymore. I didn’t realize until I tried to explain it to you that explaining depression like this to someone who doesn’t get like this is almost impossible. The shame I feel when I look in your eyes after I have become too numb to even form syllables is too much. I cannot speak at times and most of the time I think you understand, but then there are times, times when you go into your own place. I’m selfish, this is a selfish disease. I need you, I need you to hug me when I get quiet. I need you to love on me when I push you away. I cannot handle this. I no longer feel like I have a grip over my life like I once did. I love you, I’m sorry.

Breathe… Just breathe

My throat is constricting and my heart is racing. What the hell was I thinking? I am in the next room and all I want to do is fight. I am angry as hell at myself and there is no one to blame so I turn the shame towards you; I’ve been sorry for a long time, but but I’ve never felt so inclined to apologize for the lies that hold me hostage.

I want to run away from the mess that I have caused. I’m shaking, always shaking. People don’t know how bad I get when I hide in the closet and scream into the clothes that I have no motivation to move into their rightful homes. I am ashamed of my name for it has become a synonym perpendicular to that of the dog shit you wipe off your shoe.

I don’t deserve this and you deserve so much more. I should be ashamed of all that I employ upon you. This is my apology. I need to help the feelings inside, but I am too angry, too sad, the numbness has taken over and the feeling is so terrible I want to rip out my own body so that someone else can have a turn. This is a bad game that has gone awry. I am losing the game and I am the one supposed to be making up my own rules.

My heart pounds, escaping the metronome usually inhabiting behind my rib cage. The showers bouncing off flesh colored cement and forming the ravine that may one day help me escape this god forsaken place. Damn, I thought it would be a lot harder to walk away, but this is what happens when no one asks you to stay.