As the time dwindles down my understanding of the minuscule amount I have written on my blog bogs me into the swamps. I am not here to tell you that with the new year I am going to somehow change who I am or what I do, but instead I am going to make promises to myself. I am going to work on things that I never could have imagined. My plans I have come up with for myself are to better myself not just to ensure I can keep my heart moving in the rhythm I was assigned at birth. No, next year I am going to work on being me and appreciating whatever it I am able to accomplish.
I am counting down the hours, minutes, seconds with the person who means the most to me. I am not worried about what the new year will bring. To be honest I have just fought through the most difficult time in my life. This has been the hardest and most rewarding semester in college because I found a new group to fall in love with, I have made more memories with people who have pushed me through the storm, and I have cried. A LOT. Now, please get on my level when I say this has been the hardest semester ever I mean because it is probably the first semester I have actually tried since coming to college. I have never been prouder because I fought and made myself care. I am disappointed that things didn’t go as well as I originally wanted them to I forget that I started this year (2015) on academic probation and am ending with multiple As on my transcript.
Best of all this year I have learned to believe in myself.I have learned to if not love myself at least appreciate myself. I believe I can do things and this is the first time I have believed that in a really long time. I know that just because I believe it doesn’t mean it will be easy, in fact it will be hard as shit because I will actually hold myself accountable, but with this book closing in a 21 book series I realize that with every new chapter the story gets better. There is so much I need to work on, but I have a partner who is staying by my side and not leaving. I have made it through 100% of my worst days and I believe you can too. I am so proud of the people I have befriended and surrounded myself with. My heart has grown exponentially by being surrounded by people who really care.
Thanks you. Here is to a year of saying less I’m sorry’s and replacing it with more thank you’s. Thank you so much for being my friend. Thank you for not making me feel like the worst person in the world. Thank you for being you and not letting the world put out your flame because you shine too bright for those choosing to live in the dark. There are some people who I am leaving in 2015- they take up too much space that I needed to remove them so that i can move into my space. There are some people who shone too much for the world so they had to join the energy of the galaxy away from this earth. I miss them, I miss so many people, but I hope they understand no matter where I am I love them with everything inside of me. Thank you, wherever you are, by reading this you have in some way shaped me as a person. Thank you for being strong- you may not know it, but I see it in your eyes. When you fall on your knees, the air refusing to allow the exchange between lungs and environment, eyes welling like a burnt out candle- you are strong. goddammit you are the strongest and the best you I have ever seen. You are a beautiful creature and we are so lucky to know you. Thank you for being a reason for me to live.
I have stopped living in the past and started working towards the present and my future. As I say this I have to think of the wonderful things I have gone through this year.
January- I trudged through and half cared about school. I felt deflated. I also went to New Orleans.
February- I spent much needed time with Alyssa and other friends. I kind of just went through this month without much care.
March- I began to plan for the future. I started thinking about living in an apartment. I was also making plans for bigger things in my relationship.
April- Big things happened. I proposed, watched Vagina Monologues, Slut Walk #2, found out where I would be living, started new medication for my depression. I got my first A on a test since I came to college. I went to my first drag show in college and also participated in GRL’s Pie a President.
May- Went to Colorado. This was the first time I had considered living somewhere besides Washington. It was beautiful and I fell in love with it. I also passed all my classes.
June- This wasn’t the best month, but it was something. There were so many changes, but I am glad they happened. I got to celebrate the mile marker of Marriage Equality. Was on the front of our local newspaper.
July- I said goodbye to a friend who was toxic for me. I also got fired from my job, but that was something I didn’t know I needed until I took time to think about it. I also made Dean’s List for the second time in College. I also saw Fall Out Boy, Kelly Clarkson, Pentatonix, and Rolling Stones.
August- I felt more confident in myself. I moved into my apartment officially. I set up bills and made sure everything was in proper order to live. I was dragged to recruitment events for Gamma Rho Lambda. I cried. Turned 21 and went to Build-a-Bear.
September- Rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal. Late nights to prepare for all the things I had to do. Also the start of Progressive Student Alliance, a new club at BSU to help students become more politically aware. Then the Slut Walk. Volunteered for YWCA.
October- Rocky, rocky and lots more Rocky!!!!!! (I love my Rocky Horror family). Spent a lot of time with my sorority. Learned a lot about myself. Also presented with a chance to go to Spain in the summer. Also, celebrated a year with my lovely partner. The littlest member of our family was born. He is precious (and spoiled). Also, performed in my very first Drag Show. I was very lucky to do this and so blessed that people loved it.
November- Studied, planned for the future. I got secretary for the second time for Rocky Horror and also PSA was made official. I laughed and cried, also I had heart to hearts with a lot of people. I also officially joined Gamma Rho Lambed. This was also the first time I set up a google hangout which became a success.
December- Passed all my classes. I was voted into officer positions for GRL. I stopped having panic attacks daily. I bought myself coloring books. Did secret Santa for Muncie Outreach and also within our sorority.
I am leaving out so much, but these are some of the biggest things that I can look back and appreciate. I know this year was difficult, but that makes it so much better. I already know that whatever 2016 brings me I will be able to deal with it. This was the first year I worked towards not only my mental health, but gender wise with other people. I am more open about myself with other people than I have and I am lucky to have people patient with me as I explore who I am.
See you all next year. ❤