I’m Not Okay, But I Will Be.

This is stressful. I don’t like admitting things are wrong. But this semester has been a struggle. Things are closing down. Things are coming to an end. I have all the feelings. I feel really sad right now. My heart pounding and my breath is catching. I am scared and nervous.

I messed up this semester, but I think I have a shot of fixing it. There is so much to do and so little time. I am thankful for these past four years, but I am so glad that it is over. I have found myself, but I have created more questions that need to be answered. Now I must deal with these. I wish I could have done better. I failed, a lot, in college. This is something I didn’t do earlier in my life. I don’t like to deal with things.

I am sitting here listening to classic Fall Out Boy. I started with the first song of the first album. Let us see how far we go. I feel nostalgia, fear, anxiety, and sadness. My life has come to a halt. I have spent four years being busy and relatively feeling the littlest bit important. None of this really matters, but internally I know it does to me. I have spent the past years being used for things that I have thought mattered.

CAUTION: Long ramblings ahead. I felt like writing and it took on how I’ve been shaped by the past 8 years. These include both activities I have been a part of and my relationships.

Freshman year of high school I went to rallys, protests, and pride. This was my first pride. I went to our GSA and was the first time I openly questioned my gender. I found myself and my group. I also was in Japan Club. I also happened to be in French club and philosophy club, part of our orchestra, and in a lot of honors classes. Two languages that year sounds tougher than it was, but I had such a burning passion to study language and culture. This year I dedicated myself to a guy. I fell in love and it was so not worth it. We made plans that no one else would have thought of. In the end he was abusive and was the only one who could be right when discussing absolutely anything.  Thankfully I had the fall back of Indiana Youth Group to help me discover who I was. That was a family whom never judged me no matter what happened. I still love them to this day.

Sophomore year I dated my first bisexual. I don’t know why this seemed interesting, but it was. I am still friends with him, but this was how I realized that sometimes people who aren’t in the “standard” sexuality can be the most understanding. No, his sexuality didn’t matter, but in analyzing where past relationships had been he is the only one I am still friends with. He showed me that relationships don’t always end because the people don’t care, or because they hate each other. He had things happening in his life that he only told me years later when we were friends. We would proceed to date a second time. This was also my first major girlfriend. She was funny and smart. However, this relationship taught me that hiding is detrimental to your mental health. I created a second facebook so I could show my relationship with her, but I know I broke her heart several times. If she ever reads this, I am sorry. I did love you, I just wasn’t prepared for myself. This year I was going to IYG religiously. It helped me find myself. I was still in GSA, Japan club, and philosophy club. I dropped the second language, but I still had the burning passion to argue the reason we think we are alive. I finally felt like I had friends. I dropped the amount of smart people classes I was taking. I also met my other Ex. We will call him shithead (pronounced shi-thead). Here shithead enters and is stereotypical nice guy. Yes, one of those I am so nice, I pay for everything, what is wrong with you, I hate you. I went to prom with him, it was fine. His mom hated me because she thought I was a lesbian. He also was so scared of his own sexuality he said that if I was a trans male he would have to break up with me because he isn’t into guys. This is also the year that I went to the stress center for suicidal ideation. Boy that was fun. Exactly a week after I got out I broke up with him cuz I had feelings for another girl.

Junior year I still went on to all my clubs. I stopped going to philosophy club though because my X1 was there and he ran it with his girlfriend at the time. She had never met me and the hatred rolled in waves whenever I was around. I did join the National Forensics League (speech team) though. This was an amazing experience. I love speech so much. I took a film course in place of my English class and I haven’t enjoyed anything as much since. It was beautiful. I was in PE with a bunch of freshman and I befriended a couple of them. This is how I came to acquire Liam, the Bear. My friend gave him to me and she LOVED ONE DIRECTION. OMG. I went to prom by myself and danced with my best friend. This was also the first year, really, that I had considered my best friend my best friend. Looking back I wouldn’t change anything. It is just funny that neither one of us could have imagined this. She has since saved me so many ties. I also helped run our Gay-straight Alliance. I was made honorary co-president because the others were so busy and graduating. I was also Secretary for Japan club. This was the first year I came out to people that I was gender queer. I made it known.

Senior year of high school was amazing. My amazing friends and I celebrated my 18th birthday at school ( I brought cupcakes and someone else brought pizza).  I had an official birthday party where people actually came. I always felt so alone that this was a huge deal. I got accepted into college. I made it through the hardest of my classes at that time. I got to take a brand new creative writing class which taught me so much. I then got to help him during my study hall. I still did speech. I was also co-president of GSA and President of Japan club. I was so proud of the people I surrounded myself with.

Freshman year of COLLEGE::::::::::::

  • Hung out with shithead a lot. Like I lived with him and his roommate. This was a mistake. He dated my cousin. This was a terrible mistake. What the hell did I do? This is the current thing that fucks me up to this day. I have trauma from this relationship that I never knew I did until I got into my current relationship
  • Joined Feminists for Action. Got into therapy. Made some magical friendships. Actually talked to professors about mental health issues. It was great.

Sophomore year:::::::::::::::

  • Met the love of my life; like seriously she has helped me through so much.
  • Took over a now nonexistent group
  • Still in FA; met guerrilla girl Frida Kahlo (in homage to the famous artist)
  • Had the best school year, but not really cuz I went on academic probation (whoops)
  • Went to Colorado and cried because I knew where my home was
  • Got engaged

Junior year::::::::::::::::::

  • Summer: Saw both Fall Out Boy and Kelly Clarkson
  • Moved into my first apartment
  • Got fired for the first time
  • Joined Gamma Rho Lambda (best decision of my entire life) Thank you so much bbs for letting me into the pack. I love it so much.
  • Found out I identified as a trans male and started coming out.
  • Vice President of FA
  • Secretary of Progressive Student Alliance
  • Alumni coordinator and national delegate for GRL (winter -> fall of senior year)
  • Started doing drag
  • Went to ST. Louis, MO for Convention. Amazing

Senior year:::::::::::::

  • New Member Educator for GRL
  • Diversity Delegate for GRL
  • Lots of road trips in the middle of the night to Ohio
  • Tried Tim Hortons for the first time and it was life changing. OMG please
  • Signed a lease for an adult townhome.
  • Is adulting
  • Started thinking about changing name
  • Got to see Sabrina Carpenter
  • Cried so much that I rival the rain
  • Started writing again
  • Oh, yeah. That thing on my arm? Got my first TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Graduated

I am so thankful for everything I have gotten the honor of doing. I am so lucky for all the people in my life. I am sorry this is a long rambling mess, but if you actually read this wow. Let me say: thank you. I am struggling right now and sometimes I just need to tell people irrelevant bits of my life.

Call-out

When someone calls you out in front of people and you have anxiety. My professor just called me out for not going to one of my classes, but like it’s not actually my fault? I’m sorry that I do not have the energy to get up, put on clothes, go catch the bus, and sit in your class for an hour and a half.

I hate this. I already feel guilty that I have stopped doing things, I have plans to make them better, but then something else happened to change the plans. I finally have some words to say about what has been going on and now I am sad because as soon as I felt confident enough to say what has been going on I get called out. I know that a lot of people see that as something good and something that can make people not do the thing again, but for me it makes me want to stop doing the thing.

I have serious issues with my mental illness. It hasn’t been this bad since I was in middle school. I was so bad that I wanted to die. My feelings were so reflective of how our current societal climate is. I was so down that I wanted to beg my mom to bring me my insurance card and let me go to the stress center. I wanted to check out for the weekend, but the entire weekend I had things to do.

I PUT MY MENTAL HEALTH IN THE BACKGROUND FOR MY JOBS. I wanted to die, but I forced myself to do things that I was so uncomfortable doing. I therefore found days where I was in a bad place and I removed other people and things that set me off. I did this for others more than myself. I didn’t want to be in the middle of the day and then go off on someone.

When someone hasn’t been doing something don’t call them out. This is a very particular sentence, but honestly don’t do it. Especially not in public. I am saying this in the sense of if someone isn’t performing something that they once could do and you know they have mental health. Things happen, different things happen. Things keep happening.

Abnormal Thoughts

Today in class we were talking about the different forms of depression. He brought up suicide and I was thinking about the phrase This makes me want to die. I say it when something terrible happens. My body is really sensitive to lights, sounds, etc. and certain things make me want to claw my face off. I say this phrase and I get chastised to not say it anymore. 

Okay?

People have made this phrase such a joke that I cannot honestly say this phrase without having at least one person who thinks they know me or some stranger who wants to look like the best person jump down my throat and tell me that it shouldn’t be a joke and I need to stop. 

Why do we do that? 

We hush people. We tell people what we think they should be saying, especially if we don’t know them. 

Why is mental health such a taboo topic? Why is there such an issue to talk about what is wrong? We act as though there is no issue, but it is more likely in college that someone will miss class/ a meeting/ homework etc. due to a mental illness than being physically ill. Anytime I have been sick I will go to class, but I have missed months of class because I can’t get out of bed. I am paying thousands of dollars to be miserable. 

I wish that I could scream I. AM. NOT. OKAY. and someone would hear me. If you hear me then I hear you. Trust me, I understand that there are issues you are going through and I am here for you. 

This is the first post I have made in a year and that is because I feel like there is no point. No point to me trying, no point to caring, but I think it is the lack of words that has caused me to close myself off from the world. I have missed expressing my feelings. I have missed doing the word thing. 

Breathe… Just breathe

My throat is constricting and my heart is racing. What the hell was I thinking? I am in the next room and all I want to do is fight. I am angry as hell at myself and there is no one to blame so I turn the shame towards you; I’ve been sorry for a long time, but but I’ve never felt so inclined to apologize for the lies that hold me hostage.

I want to run away from the mess that I have caused. I’m shaking, always shaking. People don’t know how bad I get when I hide in the closet and scream into the clothes that I have no motivation to move into their rightful homes. I am ashamed of my name for it has become a synonym perpendicular to that of the dog shit you wipe off your shoe.

I don’t deserve this and you deserve so much more. I should be ashamed of all that I employ upon you. This is my apology. I need to help the feelings inside, but I am too angry, too sad, the numbness has taken over and the feeling is so terrible I want to rip out my own body so that someone else can have a turn. This is a bad game that has gone awry. I am losing the game and I am the one supposed to be making up my own rules.

My heart pounds, escaping the metronome usually inhabiting behind my rib cage. The showers bouncing off flesh colored cement and forming the ravine that may one day help me escape this god forsaken place. Damn, I thought it would be a lot harder to walk away, but this is what happens when no one asks you to stay.

Sometimes it is all too much

I haven’t written in so long. It isn’t that I haven’t wanted to, but I just haven’t. I honestly think there is a correlation between me writing things out and the feelings that build up. I feel that sometimes I am too hard on myself and the people I love and it is a negative experience.

This entry will be all about what has been happening lately. I think people should read it and if they don’t then I guess that is that.

I want to preface this by apologizing. I know I said I wasn’t going to do that this year, but this is as sincere as I can make it. If you read this then you will understand. 

I consider myself to be a person who is very ambiaverted. I like to go out and be social with people, but I have a level that is very introverted. If I push myself too much socially when I am at this point then I get overwhelmed. This is something I did not completely understand until this week. I have been crying, a lot. So much water coming out of my eyes, no wonder I am dehydrated. Haha (joke).No, but seriously, my feelings have been all over the place. That’s a lie, they have been in one place- deep down inside. I have been so sad this week. Not just sad, but sad sad. The kind of sad that people forget is an actual issue and instead try to romanticize it. It feels as though I am a house that everyone forgot to turn the utilities on for. Not quite. I don’t actually know how to say it so that other people can get the feeling just right. Just know that what I am feeling is down, dark, and restless.

At first I thought I was stressed. I have four papers due today, a quiz, an outside assignment I still have to do that was due Wednesday, and quizzes I am doing today so I don’t have to worry about them tomorrow. That is a lot when it is set down. I am stressed, but that is manageable, that is fine. This isn’t stress. Was it something that someone did? No, I have gone through that. I have actually been more at peace with the people I have been around than normal. So what is it?

It’s many things!!! (YAY!!! I hear you cheering, right?)

I have been sick, I didn’t go to a class and a meeting, I then stood in the rain with my backpack open, I then froze, I then ran across campus for something that was pointless, I tried for something that was pointless, I worked on something that equated to something pointless. Yes, I am sad. I am sad at the events, but I am sad because I am missing important things that I would normally do at this time of the year because of how busy I am and my lack of transportation. I don’t get to do certain things because it would require depending on other people and that would require working around their schedule because they aren’t as flexible. I am sad because I am going to look like an idiot taking a quiz I wasn’t able to study for, I am sad that my professor purposely made his tests harder because his students did well. I am sad because I am cold. I am sad because I am always sick or in pain. I am sad that I am always disappointing people. I am sad that the things I have been unable to do this week has resulted in a mountain. I am sad because I can’t instantaneously fix this. I am sad because I hate disappointing people. I hate when people are upset with me. I honestly cannot take it because it hurts my soul. I am sad that I cannot participate in class at times because my throat swells up and I forget what I was going to say and then run around in a circle and then end up saying the wrong thing.

This brings me to my next point. My anxiety has hit an all time high. I have been having it hit from all spots in my life. I am anxious at school, at home, when I am asleep. Nothing makes sense, but this is what has been happening. I am strung out. I am not even stressed about school anymore. I am stressed, but not.

Difficult, see what I mean? I can’t breathe, I break down at anything and everything. Yesterday I cried on my bathroom floor because Alyssa huffed at the game and I thought she was getting mad at me. I have befriended so many bathroom floors this week I think I should start paying rent. I can’t breathe. I am so angry. I am so miserable. I am pissed and frustrated and so, so, so sad.

So how does this tie into the reason I was apologizing? Well, I have not been able to do anything this week. I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone and being touched makes me cringe. It is so bad because I have reverted back to the way that if I say something and the person doesn’t know what I am talking about or if someone looks at me in a strange way then I get really panicky and just shut down. I have gone so inside myself that I don’t want anyone to talk to me. I have no motivation to do the things that I need to do, but I also have the high anxiety factor reminding me of the little amount of time I have left in order to get things out of the way and turned in on time. Example, if I have an assignment I forget I won’t send my professor an email because I freak out and shut down because in my mind they automatically don’t care. I cannot do this, but I have to. I am broken, but I am not done.

So, my friend who has somehow remained through all of this, thank you. Also, I’m sorry. Sorry for cancelling, for replying with one words, for averting my eyes when I see you looking because they are glassy from the rainstorm I just walked through. I’m sorry for wanting to run away, and actually doing so. I’m sorry that when I get like this I get so dark and narrow-minded that I can’t reciprocate the love that I know comes from you. I’m sorry that when I laugh you can hear the echo from the hallow chrome between my throat and my lungs. I’m at the point where when my phone vibrates it makes me feel sick because it means people need something. I’m sorry for not being involved. I’m sorry for being withdrawn.

I’m so sorry, my friend, I am.

When it rains, it pours

Be kind with me, be gentle with me.

By the time I discovered I needed this sign it was too late. The shattered shards shone in the moon light. Everything looks beautiful in the moonlight, even glass bottle spread across the black tar of the road. Beauty: a word I have often heard, but so much deny exists anywhere near my person. Only one can penetrate the barrier surrounding my pit. The walls enough to cover an ancient castle, but for naught I am in the mud cowering in the corner. Even though there is no way for the walls to be dismantled I hide in the corner for fear of someone coming in on the attack.I am already exhausted from the battle that does not exist. My walls hide me from the world I don’t even know exists and yet I am shaking. I get overly worked up and then apologize. I cry my eyes out then slap on a smile. I’m so used to the “I’m sorry” before there is anything to be apologetic about. I am already used to the covering my eyes as the rainstorm begins in the room so that no one else gets struck by lightening. I am so used to the lies that I can’t believe anyone ever when they tell the truth. Unlike most, when they are together until broken, I am shattered until someone can find the goddamned glue to stick me back together. I am a tumultuous, rocky mountain high as the waves crack my surface. I take my heart and shake it out telling it to stop listening so much to my brain. I constantly think that I am not worth it, but my heart knows better. My brain likes to hate everything I do. It shows me terrible images that I would run away from. It would be different if any aspect I had a single create bone in my body, but I suck at creativity and lately the words have run away like a prisoner sentenced to life . I am stuck in a literary prison. Where the hell did this all go? Words, media, pictures, art I got this, I had this, I had.

I believe in everything I have ever committed to. No, that is a lie. I lie, I lied, I have never lied. I am a liar in my own right. I am finding my voice to express how I feel, just bear with me. No matter how much I chip away at the wrongs inside my head it seems as though there is never anything better uncovered below. When I set forth working through it all I hoped there was some gold in the depths of my soul, but now I am questioning the logic of finding the shiny glass in the grass behind my house and thinking it was beauty. IT’s beautiful, I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM WORTH IT. Why can’t I feel this way? Why does the worth of my soul require the effervescent words from someone else to give me five minutes of hope before I am thrust back into the paradox of the grand jury facing the trial head v heart. I once was good at so much, but now I am so bad that I have no desire to continue doing what I once loved. I can barely get myself to care anymore. All I want to do is be around Alyssa which I’m sure is more time than she would like dedicated to me. I am not reflecting on her or anyone specific. I am reflecting on myself. As much as I never feel I have any time I know I have too much time alone to think inside my head. I have too much time to reflect on every syllable, action, or emotion that has ever occurred in my lifetime. Each breathe I take is a fight I have within myself. The battle is lifelong, but I know it won’t always be misery. Before this week I had been having a fantastic succession of being in an amusing mood. Things had been pleasant, but people around me know I don’t believe in the system of things are good. It has been proven in personal experience that whenever something is going really great chances are something is going to come along to not just test you, but to completely rupture your world. You will be pushed into repeatedly uncomfortable situations which will be used to test what is really important to you in life. I know what is important. I know what I care about and how I need to be better for that, but I need people to understand that it isn’t just me being selfish or mean when something happens and I get upset, I honestly am the type of person who hates change. I like schedules and I like things repeating. I hate when shows get cancelled because it makes me feel as though something is missing. My brain gets disrupted when I am forced to change and when people expect the change instantaniously with no conversation I freeze. When things change in this way I just shut down; I stop what I am doing in order to maintain from being hurt, but often end up hurting myself in the end. I am used to being hurt, I just wish there was a way that I could fix my brain so that I wasn’t always hurting myself. When all people look for are scars they don’t always pay attention to the sallowness in your eyes, how weak your voice is or how hard it is to swallow. When all you want is to hide in the deep hole surrounded by the towering walls what are you supposed to do when someone climbs over with the intention of saving you?

Running into the next year.

As the time dwindles down my understanding of the minuscule amount I have written on my blog bogs me into the swamps. I am not here to tell you that with the new year I am going to somehow change who I am or what I do, but instead I am going to make promises to myself. I am going to work on things that I never could have imagined. My plans I have come up with for myself are to better myself not just to ensure I can keep my heart moving in the rhythm I was assigned at birth. No, next year I am going to work on being me and appreciating whatever it I am able to accomplish.

I am counting down the hours, minutes, seconds with the person who means the most to me. I am not worried about what the new year will bring. To be honest I have just fought through the most difficult time in my life. This has been the hardest and most rewarding semester in college because I found a new group to fall in love with, I have made more memories with people who have pushed me through the storm, and I have cried. A LOT. Now, please get on my level when I say this has been the hardest semester ever I mean because it is probably the first semester I have actually tried since coming to college. I have never been prouder because I fought and made myself care. I am disappointed that things didn’t go as well as I originally wanted them to I forget that I started this year (2015) on academic probation and am ending with multiple As on my transcript.

Best of all this year I have learned to believe in myself.I have learned to if not love myself at least appreciate myself. I believe I can do things and this is the first time I have believed that in a really long time. I know that just because I believe it doesn’t mean it will be easy, in fact it will be hard as shit because I will actually hold myself accountable, but with this book closing in a 21 book series I realize that with every new chapter the story gets better. There is so much I need to work on, but I have a partner who is staying by my side and not leaving. I have made it through 100% of my worst days and I believe you can too. I am so proud of the people I have befriended and surrounded myself with. My heart has grown exponentially by being surrounded by people who really care.

Thanks you. Here is to a year of saying less I’m sorry’s and replacing it with more thank you’s. Thank you so much for being my friend. Thank you for not making me feel like the worst person in the world. Thank you for being you and not letting the world put out your flame because you shine too bright for those choosing to live in the dark. There are some people who I am leaving in 2015- they take up too much space that I needed to remove them so that i can move into my space. There are some people who shone too much for the world so they had to join the energy of the galaxy away from this earth. I miss them, I miss so many people, but I hope they understand no matter where I am I love them with everything inside of me. Thank you, wherever you are, by reading this you have in some way shaped me as a person. Thank you for being strong- you may not know it, but I see it in your eyes. When you fall on your knees, the air refusing to allow the exchange between lungs and environment, eyes welling like a burnt out candle- you are strong. goddammit you are the strongest and the best you I have ever seen. You are a beautiful creature and we are so lucky to know you. Thank you for being a reason for me to live.

I have stopped living in the past and started working towards the present and my future. As I say this I have to think of the wonderful things I have gone through this year.

January- I trudged through and half cared about school. I felt deflated. I also went to New Orleans.

February- I spent much needed time with Alyssa and other friends. I kind of just went through this month without much care.

March- I began to plan for the future. I started thinking about living in an apartment. I was also making plans for bigger things in my relationship.

April- Big things happened. I proposed, watched Vagina Monologues, Slut Walk #2, found out where I would be living, started new medication for my depression. I got my first A on a test since I came to college. I went to my first drag show in college and also participated in GRL’s Pie a President.

May- Went to Colorado. This was the first time I had considered living somewhere besides Washington. It was beautiful and I fell in love with it. I also passed all my classes.

June- This wasn’t the best month, but it was something. There were so many changes, but I am glad they happened.  I got to celebrate the mile marker of Marriage Equality. Was on the front of our local newspaper.

July- I said goodbye to a friend who was toxic for me. I also got fired from my job, but that was something I didn’t know I needed until I took time to think about it. I also made Dean’s List for the second time in College. I also saw Fall Out Boy, Kelly Clarkson, Pentatonix, and Rolling Stones.

August- I felt more confident in myself. I moved into my apartment officially. I set up bills and made sure everything was in proper order to live. I was dragged to recruitment events for Gamma Rho Lambda. I cried. Turned 21 and went to Build-a-Bear.

September- Rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal. Late nights to prepare for all the things I had to do. Also the start of Progressive Student Alliance, a new club at BSU to help students become more politically aware. Then the Slut Walk. Volunteered for YWCA.

October- Rocky, rocky and lots more Rocky!!!!!! (I love my Rocky Horror family). Spent a lot of time with my sorority. Learned a lot about myself. Also presented with a chance to go to Spain in the summer. Also, celebrated a year with my lovely partner. The littlest member of our family was born. He is precious (and spoiled). Also, performed in my very first Drag Show. I was very lucky to do this and so blessed that people loved it.

November- Studied, planned for the future. I got secretary for the second time for Rocky Horror and also PSA was made official.  I laughed and cried, also I had heart to hearts with a lot of people. I also officially joined Gamma Rho Lambed. This was also the first time I set up a google hangout which became a success.

December- Passed all my classes. I was voted into officer positions for GRL. I stopped having panic attacks daily. I bought myself coloring books. Did secret Santa for Muncie Outreach and also within our sorority.

I am leaving out so much, but these are some of the biggest things that I can look back and appreciate. I know this year was difficult, but that makes it so much better. I already know that whatever 2016 brings me I will be able to deal with it. This was the first year I worked towards not only my mental health, but gender wise with other people. I am more open about myself with other people than I have and I am lucky to have people patient with me as I explore who I am.

See you all next year. ❤