I’m Not Okay, But I Will Be.

This is stressful. I don’t like admitting things are wrong. But this semester has been a struggle. Things are closing down. Things are coming to an end. I have all the feelings. I feel really sad right now. My heart pounding and my breath is catching. I am scared and nervous.

I messed up this semester, but I think I have a shot of fixing it. There is so much to do and so little time. I am thankful for these past four years, but I am so glad that it is over. I have found myself, but I have created more questions that need to be answered. Now I must deal with these. I wish I could have done better. I failed, a lot, in college. This is something I didn’t do earlier in my life. I don’t like to deal with things.

I am sitting here listening to classic Fall Out Boy. I started with the first song of the first album. Let us see how far we go. I feel nostalgia, fear, anxiety, and sadness. My life has come to a halt. I have spent four years being busy and relatively feeling the littlest bit important. None of this really matters, but internally I know it does to me. I have spent the past years being used for things that I have thought mattered.

CAUTION: Long ramblings ahead. I felt like writing and it took on how I’ve been shaped by the past 8 years. These include both activities I have been a part of and my relationships.

Freshman year of high school I went to rallys, protests, and pride. This was my first pride. I went to our GSA and was the first time I openly questioned my gender. I found myself and my group. I also was in Japan Club. I also happened to be in French club and philosophy club, part of our orchestra, and in a lot of honors classes. Two languages that year sounds tougher than it was, but I had such a burning passion to study language and culture. This year I dedicated myself to a guy. I fell in love and it was so not worth it. We made plans that no one else would have thought of. In the end he was abusive and was the only one who could be right when discussing absolutely anything.  Thankfully I had the fall back of Indiana Youth Group to help me discover who I was. That was a family whom never judged me no matter what happened. I still love them to this day.

Sophomore year I dated my first bisexual. I don’t know why this seemed interesting, but it was. I am still friends with him, but this was how I realized that sometimes people who aren’t in the “standard” sexuality can be the most understanding. No, his sexuality didn’t matter, but in analyzing where past relationships had been he is the only one I am still friends with. He showed me that relationships don’t always end because the people don’t care, or because they hate each other. He had things happening in his life that he only told me years later when we were friends. We would proceed to date a second time. This was also my first major girlfriend. She was funny and smart. However, this relationship taught me that hiding is detrimental to your mental health. I created a second facebook so I could show my relationship with her, but I know I broke her heart several times. If she ever reads this, I am sorry. I did love you, I just wasn’t prepared for myself. This year I was going to IYG religiously. It helped me find myself. I was still in GSA, Japan club, and philosophy club. I dropped the second language, but I still had the burning passion to argue the reason we think we are alive. I finally felt like I had friends. I dropped the amount of smart people classes I was taking. I also met my other Ex. We will call him shithead (pronounced shi-thead). Here shithead enters and is stereotypical nice guy. Yes, one of those I am so nice, I pay for everything, what is wrong with you, I hate you. I went to prom with him, it was fine. His mom hated me because she thought I was a lesbian. He also was so scared of his own sexuality he said that if I was a trans male he would have to break up with me because he isn’t into guys. This is also the year that I went to the stress center for suicidal ideation. Boy that was fun. Exactly a week after I got out I broke up with him cuz I had feelings for another girl.

Junior year I still went on to all my clubs. I stopped going to philosophy club though because my X1 was there and he ran it with his girlfriend at the time. She had never met me and the hatred rolled in waves whenever I was around. I did join the National Forensics League (speech team) though. This was an amazing experience. I love speech so much. I took a film course in place of my English class and I haven’t enjoyed anything as much since. It was beautiful. I was in PE with a bunch of freshman and I befriended a couple of them. This is how I came to acquire Liam, the Bear. My friend gave him to me and she LOVED ONE DIRECTION. OMG. I went to prom by myself and danced with my best friend. This was also the first year, really, that I had considered my best friend my best friend. Looking back I wouldn’t change anything. It is just funny that neither one of us could have imagined this. She has since saved me so many ties. I also helped run our Gay-straight Alliance. I was made honorary co-president because the others were so busy and graduating. I was also Secretary for Japan club. This was the first year I came out to people that I was gender queer. I made it known.

Senior year of high school was amazing. My amazing friends and I celebrated my 18th birthday at school ( I brought cupcakes and someone else brought pizza).  I had an official birthday party where people actually came. I always felt so alone that this was a huge deal. I got accepted into college. I made it through the hardest of my classes at that time. I got to take a brand new creative writing class which taught me so much. I then got to help him during my study hall. I still did speech. I was also co-president of GSA and President of Japan club. I was so proud of the people I surrounded myself with.

Freshman year of COLLEGE::::::::::::

  • Hung out with shithead a lot. Like I lived with him and his roommate. This was a mistake. He dated my cousin. This was a terrible mistake. What the hell did I do? This is the current thing that fucks me up to this day. I have trauma from this relationship that I never knew I did until I got into my current relationship
  • Joined Feminists for Action. Got into therapy. Made some magical friendships. Actually talked to professors about mental health issues. It was great.

Sophomore year:::::::::::::::

  • Met the love of my life; like seriously she has helped me through so much.
  • Took over a now nonexistent group
  • Still in FA; met guerrilla girl Frida Kahlo (in homage to the famous artist)
  • Had the best school year, but not really cuz I went on academic probation (whoops)
  • Went to Colorado and cried because I knew where my home was
  • Got engaged

Junior year::::::::::::::::::

  • Summer: Saw both Fall Out Boy and Kelly Clarkson
  • Moved into my first apartment
  • Got fired for the first time
  • Joined Gamma Rho Lambda (best decision of my entire life) Thank you so much bbs for letting me into the pack. I love it so much.
  • Found out I identified as a trans male and started coming out.
  • Vice President of FA
  • Secretary of Progressive Student Alliance
  • Alumni coordinator and national delegate for GRL (winter -> fall of senior year)
  • Started doing drag
  • Went to ST. Louis, MO for Convention. Amazing

Senior year:::::::::::::

  • New Member Educator for GRL
  • Diversity Delegate for GRL
  • Lots of road trips in the middle of the night to Ohio
  • Tried Tim Hortons for the first time and it was life changing. OMG please
  • Signed a lease for an adult townhome.
  • Is adulting
  • Started thinking about changing name
  • Got to see Sabrina Carpenter
  • Cried so much that I rival the rain
  • Started writing again
  • Oh, yeah. That thing on my arm? Got my first TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Graduated

I am so thankful for everything I have gotten the honor of doing. I am so lucky for all the people in my life. I am sorry this is a long rambling mess, but if you actually read this wow. Let me say: thank you. I am struggling right now and sometimes I just need to tell people irrelevant bits of my life.

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Convention 2016

I have so many thoughts racing through my head, my feet are swollen from being in a car for so long, my wallet is hurting from the drinks and food I purchased, and I am completely exhausted, but that being said I do not think I have ever been so completely happy. Yes, this will be a long post. No, you are not obligated into reading this if I tagged you, but please feel free to browse as I need to express so many things that I never knew existed until this very weekend.

So many people who know me are surprised when I tell them I joined a sorority. I never thought I would rush Greek because of the horror and shame that typically comes along with it. Even when I saw the student paper my freshman year stating a gay sorority was coming to campus. I eventually forgot about it. Even when I started dating someone from it and we spent hours talking about me joining I rejected the idea. I hated the idea of such an institution, but things slowly evolved. I got invited to events, I went to recruitment and then people started asking what was keeping me from joining. I kept trying to make excuses why I could not join, but problematic people left and people wanted me so I thought I would try it out. It wasn’t easy for the longest time. I have this innate belief that everyone secretly hates me (yes, this is trauma induced and not a personal judgement).

Though there have been serious points where I questioned why I joined the people I have connected with and met have always been there. Until this weekend I did not really know any of you except through Facebook and Alyssa talking about the amazing things you have done (yes, she talks about all of you). I thought it was incredible that the strangers on the internet supported me through hard times and it taught me that this was a core value that we desire. All of a sudden though the people on the screen have become people that I have hugged, people that I have almost cried saying goodbye to. I felt myself grow alongside all the people I met and even though it was so much fun there was a lot of learning. I learned about myself, I learned about identity as a group and an individual, I learned that sometimes I should take more risks when I feel scared and vulnerable, and I learned that people will surprise you.

I do not think I stopped smiling once this weekend. The counter is already on for next year, I am planning in my head trips I want to take to visit people while also anticipating nationals coming for their chapter trip, and the feeling that some of the people we look to for leadership feel it is their job to protect us from the world around us.

Sam asked us today to say why we joined and though I often joke that I was forced I realized that until today I never really knew why. I figured out that I joined because I saw so many people doing things together and I wanted to know their secrets. I wanted to know why my partner was willing to be out late at night just to wake early the next day for some organization. I wanted a community that I did not feel on my campus. I found all of these things within GRL. Joining was one of the best decisions I have ever made. Driving home I had lots of time to think and I couldn’t stop thinking of all the people who knew me and were excited that I was around them, sharing space. I almost cry and the look on some people’s faces as I had to say goodbye. I feel so close to this family and I want to protect them with everything I have. Our world is scary and unsafe and I didn’t want to say goodbye because so much can happen before next year, but that’s also why I say I love you so goddamn much.

The hugs I got from people made me realize that our body language speaks volumes. And even with such tragedy happening within our community, itself, there was so much support. There were so much I wanted to say within the letters we wrote for our jars, but there wasn’t enough time to get to explain all the ways you have changed me in just this weekend alone.  I have some people that I feel very close with now and I hope they agree with me because I want to grow closer. Through the dancing, the laughing, the crying, winning multiple awards, and the tequila I can honestly say this will be a convention I will never forget. It reinforced that I belong her and that people want me here. I have so much respect for everyone I met and cannot wait for the future. Thank you to so many for being here. Thank you for being so caring and understanding. And to some of you thank you, just, for being protective. Also, thanks for the endless hugs. I have been hugged until I almost couldn’t breathe, but I need more because those are the ones that I didn’t want to let go of. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Also, I love you.

 

(Here are a couple personal ones, if you read this far) I only did a few, but omg this is the most wonderful group of human beings I have ever been around.

Savannah- You are so brilliant. You are so kind and honest. It has been great seeing you online and you offline is even better. I really do want to talk outside of official things (I know we kind of do, but still). Just please keep being your phenomenal self.

 

Chase- I am completely and utterly grateful that you have entered my life. I didn’t get to say thank you, but feeling as though someone is there that I can talk about identity and misunderstanding of personal feelings is awesome. It meant a lot that you were so willing to talk about things and were open to more conversations. You are doing a great job. Please keep staying funny.

 

Miranda- There is so much I actually want to say to you, but I probably won’t. You are one of the people that I was just so swept away by. I had so much fun dancing with you and understanding more about you. I hope we can stay close and maybe figure some way to do something together because I need to see more of your face!!!I honestly miss you so much already; it is honestly not even funny. You are one of my favoritest people in the whole world and are just such a special star. You deserve the moon. I hope things go well in all that worry you and please know I am ALWAYS here. If you want you can have my number and text me at 3am. I wish I had gotten to spend more time with you, but once we did spend time I didn’t exactly want it to end. Thank you for the dancing and the laughs. Maybe one day we can hang out more and do something, like get food. Also, you owe me wine (not really, but I still wish I had gone with and made sure you were okay). Please keep  evolving. I believe you can do anything. I look forward to snapping with you and talking with you.  I formed a connection with you and that doesn’t happen very often. Thank you for helping with much and I look forward to exploring more with you.

 

 

Taylor- I don’t know why writing yours is so hard. I feel as though I just want to talk to you and be best friends with you. Sorry if that sounds weird,but it was so great getting to know you. It was hard stopping the hug and I was kinda glad to know I was not the only one who didn’t want to be the first one to break the hug. You are so incredibly wonderful and an even more amazing person in real life. I want to skype with you and talk about obscure things that don’t make much sense. I definitely want to play games with you, please let us plan things. Also, please let us try and plan things for next convention because I want to do so much and where ever we are we need to make it amazingly memorable. You are such a fun, incredible spirit. I love your entire vibe and you cracked me up so much this weekend. I cannot even describe how amazing it was to connect to someone. We didn’t spend a lot of time, but it was the small things. You touched me very deeply and it is so appreciated that this was a thing that happened. we can text or snap or whatever if you want as well. Please keep being you. There is not really a word to describe you, but you. Like I said there is so much more I want to say to you, but I really do not know how to form it into sentences. Thank you for helping make this weekend amazing.