Sunday

Dear day of the sun please listen to the silent apologies that cross the threshold out of my larynx into the wind. Please stay with me as I gather up my windpipe to utter the words in chronological-I mean alphabetical, I mean, shit. What do I mean? I mean do we ever really mean what we say? And for that matter why are we so mean when we do mean it? I was weaning my tears when my fingers stopped, freezing as though winter entered in the middle of July. It’s June and too soon grades will be due and I will be too because I understand this is the last time I will need to say anything about my grades.

So much tragedy and on such a sugary goodness day. Forgive me for I am cynical of the well being and the well wishes that wash the dirt down the well until we forgive and forget, but please never forget. My tongue is swollen and my spit dried up and the words refuse to exit out the way they came. My tears, however, have never let up. Bursting the dams on treasures buried so long ago. I remember why I refuse to come out and play. I remember why I hide while everyone else slays in their lives. I forgot to live mine a long time ago and it is only now that I am getting my words back.

Why do some of us hate so much? Why were we forced out of the womb that once promised to love us no matter what into the world that promises to hate us no matter what. I have seen so much happiness exuding from the inner lips of my comrades and the irony is that they are the ones who have been screaming. The ones who are silent now, picking up their soldiers, laying out their own funeral clothes are the same ones who have had to shine every rainbow after a rainstorm just for you to remember that they never were swept away by the flood. Storms are beautiful, but with the right force they can become a force to be reckoned with.

National coming Out Day

This is it.

I cannot believe I am making this. I admit, I was inspired, but it has been bothering me. I have thought about where to put this and someone else posted so I guess… I hope they don’t get mad at me. If you are reading this, and I hope you are, and you know who you are please don’t hate me. You inspired me.

Anyway, I had to post this. Everyone sees me and I am confident: I am confident in who I am and what I claim to be, but what they do not know is that it is hard. I do not fully understand who I am or what I am doing with this, but I am me.

More and more I have started identifying as queer. This is not me erasing who I am or trying to make other people feel better or even me worrying what the hell other people feel. No, I do it because it saves time. I do it because it is easier for me and therefore less stressful.

Last week in class I was speaking up about something and I claimed queer because half of the class would have been spent in me explaining everything, but then later my professor (a cisgender, white male) told me that for him the word queer was in an equivalent to the N word. I found this 1. a terrible equivalency, and 2. almost personally attacked. That took a huge amount of courage to say that in my class- I had never in that class- and also was the single person who claimed I was in that class. Therefore him saying this almost felt like erasure.

For those of you who know me, or maybe want to know I identify as pansexual and genderqueer. I am more like a panromantic and demisexual, but to say all of this in that short of a span would be too terribly long. I fight with my pronouns because I am not into labels and nothing ever feels right on me. I also have this issue where people use my full name and not only do they not say it right, after being corrected a million and one times, but they also use my full name to introduce me to everyone in their circle. That is a lot of people who know my birth name. My friends who truly know me know my shortened name and respect it. They call me by it and if they hear someone else use it incorrectly they will do what they can to correct others. I have never had this issue before, but lately it has been bothering me. I did not understand what was wrong or why I felt like I couldn’t breathe, but finally I understand I feel as though I am being pushed down and told no.

As many people as there are in the world I still have the feeling I am alone. So many people don’t understand as much as they would like. Today I heard how truly difficult it is to explain a feeling or way of life you have never experienced.

Some people will never know what it is like being told you don’t exist. I act as though this doesn’t bother me and most of the time it doesn’t, but it is in times when I am going out of my way to try and explain something or connect something that it really bugs me that they just don’t.

Also, for those of you not in the community in any way you have no right to tell us what we are allowed to be offended by. You must acknowledge your privilege which I have seen mocked many a time today. Coming out is something that is so hard for us and if you do it in a mocking manner you are telling us that we don’t get a right to celebrate the difficulty that we go through to be able to show who we are to others. when you tell us that we are taking things too seriously and you don’t know what it is like to have to beg yourself to stay alive because maybe someday everything will be alright, that maybe someday you can change so that someone will like you for who you. If you have never had to figure out who the fuck you are or who you like and then had to deal with others telling you you are stupid and that you are wrong for who you are then you need to step down. If you claim ally, but cannot stand for those you stand by to celebrate and demonstrate that they know who they are, in much the same way you were born knowing, then you cannot claim ally. That is a falsehood that needs to be stopped.

Not only for us, but any group. Do not claim to know what “should” make a group upset or angry and then mock and push them off saying they get offended too easily. Do not every tell someone that they use the —-card too often, because they may feel like they have to because they have only ever been attacked for that label. Never underestimate how lucky you are never to have to go through that.

Now if you are in the group of LGBTQIAA* people then always feel free to celebrate. Never be afraid of who you are. Also, never feel you have to be out, always make sure you only do things when you are comfortable/ safe to do so. If you ever need anyone feel free to talk to me. I am always here.

Much love to all,

A.