I’m Not Okay, But I Will Be.

This is stressful. I don’t like admitting things are wrong. But this semester has been a struggle. Things are closing down. Things are coming to an end. I have all the feelings. I feel really sad right now. My heart pounding and my breath is catching. I am scared and nervous.

I messed up this semester, but I think I have a shot of fixing it. There is so much to do and so little time. I am thankful for these past four years, but I am so glad that it is over. I have found myself, but I have created more questions that need to be answered. Now I must deal with these. I wish I could have done better. I failed, a lot, in college. This is something I didn’t do earlier in my life. I don’t like to deal with things.

I am sitting here listening to classic Fall Out Boy. I started with the first song of the first album. Let us see how far we go. I feel nostalgia, fear, anxiety, and sadness. My life has come to a halt. I have spent four years being busy and relatively feeling the littlest bit important. None of this really matters, but internally I know it does to me. I have spent the past years being used for things that I have thought mattered.

CAUTION: Long ramblings ahead. I felt like writing and it took on how I’ve been shaped by the past 8 years. These include both activities I have been a part of and my relationships.

Freshman year of high school I went to rallys, protests, and pride. This was my first pride. I went to our GSA and was the first time I openly questioned my gender. I found myself and my group. I also was in Japan Club. I also happened to be in French club and philosophy club, part of our orchestra, and in a lot of honors classes. Two languages that year sounds tougher than it was, but I had such a burning passion to study language and culture. This year I dedicated myself to a guy. I fell in love and it was so not worth it. We made plans that no one else would have thought of. In the end he was abusive and was the only one who could be right when discussing absolutely anything.  Thankfully I had the fall back of Indiana Youth Group to help me discover who I was. That was a family whom never judged me no matter what happened. I still love them to this day.

Sophomore year I dated my first bisexual. I don’t know why this seemed interesting, but it was. I am still friends with him, but this was how I realized that sometimes people who aren’t in the “standard” sexuality can be the most understanding. No, his sexuality didn’t matter, but in analyzing where past relationships had been he is the only one I am still friends with. He showed me that relationships don’t always end because the people don’t care, or because they hate each other. He had things happening in his life that he only told me years later when we were friends. We would proceed to date a second time. This was also my first major girlfriend. She was funny and smart. However, this relationship taught me that hiding is detrimental to your mental health. I created a second facebook so I could show my relationship with her, but I know I broke her heart several times. If she ever reads this, I am sorry. I did love you, I just wasn’t prepared for myself. This year I was going to IYG religiously. It helped me find myself. I was still in GSA, Japan club, and philosophy club. I dropped the second language, but I still had the burning passion to argue the reason we think we are alive. I finally felt like I had friends. I dropped the amount of smart people classes I was taking. I also met my other Ex. We will call him shithead (pronounced shi-thead). Here shithead enters and is stereotypical nice guy. Yes, one of those I am so nice, I pay for everything, what is wrong with you, I hate you. I went to prom with him, it was fine. His mom hated me because she thought I was a lesbian. He also was so scared of his own sexuality he said that if I was a trans male he would have to break up with me because he isn’t into guys. This is also the year that I went to the stress center for suicidal ideation. Boy that was fun. Exactly a week after I got out I broke up with him cuz I had feelings for another girl.

Junior year I still went on to all my clubs. I stopped going to philosophy club though because my X1 was there and he ran it with his girlfriend at the time. She had never met me and the hatred rolled in waves whenever I was around. I did join the National Forensics League (speech team) though. This was an amazing experience. I love speech so much. I took a film course in place of my English class and I haven’t enjoyed anything as much since. It was beautiful. I was in PE with a bunch of freshman and I befriended a couple of them. This is how I came to acquire Liam, the Bear. My friend gave him to me and she LOVED ONE DIRECTION. OMG. I went to prom by myself and danced with my best friend. This was also the first year, really, that I had considered my best friend my best friend. Looking back I wouldn’t change anything. It is just funny that neither one of us could have imagined this. She has since saved me so many ties. I also helped run our Gay-straight Alliance. I was made honorary co-president because the others were so busy and graduating. I was also Secretary for Japan club. This was the first year I came out to people that I was gender queer. I made it known.

Senior year of high school was amazing. My amazing friends and I celebrated my 18th birthday at school ( I brought cupcakes and someone else brought pizza).  I had an official birthday party where people actually came. I always felt so alone that this was a huge deal. I got accepted into college. I made it through the hardest of my classes at that time. I got to take a brand new creative writing class which taught me so much. I then got to help him during my study hall. I still did speech. I was also co-president of GSA and President of Japan club. I was so proud of the people I surrounded myself with.

Freshman year of COLLEGE::::::::::::

  • Hung out with shithead a lot. Like I lived with him and his roommate. This was a mistake. He dated my cousin. This was a terrible mistake. What the hell did I do? This is the current thing that fucks me up to this day. I have trauma from this relationship that I never knew I did until I got into my current relationship
  • Joined Feminists for Action. Got into therapy. Made some magical friendships. Actually talked to professors about mental health issues. It was great.

Sophomore year:::::::::::::::

  • Met the love of my life; like seriously she has helped me through so much.
  • Took over a now nonexistent group
  • Still in FA; met guerrilla girl Frida Kahlo (in homage to the famous artist)
  • Had the best school year, but not really cuz I went on academic probation (whoops)
  • Went to Colorado and cried because I knew where my home was
  • Got engaged

Junior year::::::::::::::::::

  • Summer: Saw both Fall Out Boy and Kelly Clarkson
  • Moved into my first apartment
  • Got fired for the first time
  • Joined Gamma Rho Lambda (best decision of my entire life) Thank you so much bbs for letting me into the pack. I love it so much.
  • Found out I identified as a trans male and started coming out.
  • Vice President of FA
  • Secretary of Progressive Student Alliance
  • Alumni coordinator and national delegate for GRL (winter -> fall of senior year)
  • Started doing drag
  • Went to ST. Louis, MO for Convention. Amazing

Senior year:::::::::::::

  • New Member Educator for GRL
  • Diversity Delegate for GRL
  • Lots of road trips in the middle of the night to Ohio
  • Tried Tim Hortons for the first time and it was life changing. OMG please
  • Signed a lease for an adult townhome.
  • Is adulting
  • Started thinking about changing name
  • Got to see Sabrina Carpenter
  • Cried so much that I rival the rain
  • Started writing again
  • Oh, yeah. That thing on my arm? Got my first TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Graduated

I am so thankful for everything I have gotten the honor of doing. I am so lucky for all the people in my life. I am sorry this is a long rambling mess, but if you actually read this wow. Let me say: thank you. I am struggling right now and sometimes I just need to tell people irrelevant bits of my life.

Call-out

When someone calls you out in front of people and you have anxiety. My professor just called me out for not going to one of my classes, but like it’s not actually my fault? I’m sorry that I do not have the energy to get up, put on clothes, go catch the bus, and sit in your class for an hour and a half.

I hate this. I already feel guilty that I have stopped doing things, I have plans to make them better, but then something else happened to change the plans. I finally have some words to say about what has been going on and now I am sad because as soon as I felt confident enough to say what has been going on I get called out. I know that a lot of people see that as something good and something that can make people not do the thing again, but for me it makes me want to stop doing the thing.

I have serious issues with my mental illness. It hasn’t been this bad since I was in middle school. I was so bad that I wanted to die. My feelings were so reflective of how our current societal climate is. I was so down that I wanted to beg my mom to bring me my insurance card and let me go to the stress center. I wanted to check out for the weekend, but the entire weekend I had things to do.

I PUT MY MENTAL HEALTH IN THE BACKGROUND FOR MY JOBS. I wanted to die, but I forced myself to do things that I was so uncomfortable doing. I therefore found days where I was in a bad place and I removed other people and things that set me off. I did this for others more than myself. I didn’t want to be in the middle of the day and then go off on someone.

When someone hasn’t been doing something don’t call them out. This is a very particular sentence, but honestly don’t do it. Especially not in public. I am saying this in the sense of if someone isn’t performing something that they once could do and you know they have mental health. Things happen, different things happen. Things keep happening.

Who am I?

The question is, who do we think we are? Do we get to determine how someone else presents, identifies, etc. We are told no, but then society shouts the opposite. YES!!! Everyone is made to live their life the exact way I want them to. They must present the way and do the thing. Please do the thing because if you don’t it makes me uncomfortable. How dare you do the thing that isn’t what I told you to do?

It makes me doubt myself when I am trying to understand who the hell I am supposed to be when you tell me that this is how I look so I must be this. Why would I want to fit your societal norms when I have never felt normal? Why wouldn’t I want to celebrate who I am and being able to become who I am?

Identities change throughout our lives. Why should we stick ourselves in boxes? I enjoy labels in discussion because it allows us to try and present ourselves to others. However, society teaches us some labels are more important than others. Why is this? Do we hate ourselves this much? Are we really that desperate to make everyone the same? If there is someone you see as threatening to your identity then you need to look at yourself, not blame them.

I’m not changing who I am. I have always been me, but I am changing who the world sees.

Label; the connection of society

via Daily Prompt: Label

I thought it would be cool to do this. Write a response to the one word prompt; the prompt that had everything to do with what I was going to write about this anyway, but the connection was too much I had to talk about how identity flows through us in the we interact with ourselves. How do we get it out of society who we should be?

It starts with who we were born to. The doctor looked at our parents, or our test tubes, and labelled us. They took us, cleaned us, and then gave us a blanket corresponding with our predicted life choices. WE grow up and they expect us to act out exactly what they want us to do, but in reality we rarely do exactly what is expected of us. We mainly do what we want.

So why then is being ourselves so controversial? WE just want to be who we are and sometimes that requires changing how other people see us. Is that so bad? Is it really that wrong to want to show the world exactly who we we have always been, but that the world is just now getting to meet?

Introducing me

This year I realized how much I was lying to myself.  I haven’t felt happy in a long time. There has been a lot that I didn’t want to admit to myself.

The first thing I should probably say is Hi! My name is Arin Alexander and my pronouns are he/him. I have always been, I just lied.

I haven’t had the dedication to write or acknowledge what has been going on. I love the people in my life I have just been so afraid of coming out. I don’t know why. I know they would be supportive and I know that most of them would love me the same, but coming out to myself has been a challenge. It hurts some days and then the other days it’s too easy to pretend. I think I will start this new writing challenge with something that seems so simple, but is in all actuality very difficult. I shall start with a letter to myself.

Dear self,

I’m sorry I act as though I’ve never liked you. It isn’t you, it’s me, we. I think our problem started when we tried to trick everyone else. We went too far the opposite of what we were trying to accomplish that we forgot along the way how we act. We praise and promote equality and make it so that everyone has access to the same content, but we are so hard on ourselves. You are so mean to yourself that you hurt rather than face facts. I want to be happy, but you won’t let us. Instead we are constantly fumbling making excuses, trying to explain away all this feeling of guilt and shame. Why should we be shameful? I am throwing caution to the wind. I am saying that I am trans. I am the person that I always knew I was. We would tell others that we would trade anything to be a boy (1st grade), exclaim how deep our voice was and how much it made us sound like a boy (2nd grade), how I would always be the prince in all our scenarios (all the grades), and of course I had that awkward phase where everything had to be pink, I had to wear dresses, etc. I did all the things. I never felt comfortable and I never questioned why.

You can be you. We will fight through all the obstacles. We can make sure that we fight hard. This will be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. I can’t wait to see all the things you do. You deserve this.

Be happy, your past self,

Arin ❤

 

Abnormal Thoughts

Today in class we were talking about the different forms of depression. He brought up suicide and I was thinking about the phrase This makes me want to die. I say it when something terrible happens. My body is really sensitive to lights, sounds, etc. and certain things make me want to claw my face off. I say this phrase and I get chastised to not say it anymore. 

Okay?

People have made this phrase such a joke that I cannot honestly say this phrase without having at least one person who thinks they know me or some stranger who wants to look like the best person jump down my throat and tell me that it shouldn’t be a joke and I need to stop. 

Why do we do that? 

We hush people. We tell people what we think they should be saying, especially if we don’t know them. 

Why is mental health such a taboo topic? Why is there such an issue to talk about what is wrong? We act as though there is no issue, but it is more likely in college that someone will miss class/ a meeting/ homework etc. due to a mental illness than being physically ill. Anytime I have been sick I will go to class, but I have missed months of class because I can’t get out of bed. I am paying thousands of dollars to be miserable. 

I wish that I could scream I. AM. NOT. OKAY. and someone would hear me. If you hear me then I hear you. Trust me, I understand that there are issues you are going through and I am here for you. 

This is the first post I have made in a year and that is because I feel like there is no point. No point to me trying, no point to caring, but I think it is the lack of words that has caused me to close myself off from the world. I have missed expressing my feelings. I have missed doing the word thing. 

Musing from Inside

I am in the middle of a rainstorm. You are the thunder and the lightening and as frightened a I am I also know that I will be just fine. Everything has a rhyme and a reason and this is the season where my colors start to fade. Maybe I need to go away. This was the wake up call that people say things that when they are no in the middle. I have grown up with people telling me exactly what my relationships should look like, how I should act, and what I should be okay with.

This week has been difficult already. I know that I am no fun to be around. I am constantly on the verge of tears, my heart hurts, my head hurts, and I really just want to disappear. I am not okay and I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I am not okay, I am not okay, I am not okay. I just need to scream, I need to vent, I need to write words that people will read and not yell at. This is me expressing the hurt inside. Things are broken, things hurt. I have hit my bottom again and don’t know how yet I will be clawing my way out. I have no idea why everything feels this way.

I have this issue where if someone has ever felt a way towards me or said something negative towards me I never forget. I don’t do it on purpose, my anxiety will pull it out whenever I have to interact with you. Things are just too blah right now. I will write more later, better later.