I’m Not Okay, But I Will Be.

This is stressful. I don’t like admitting things are wrong. But this semester has been a struggle. Things are closing down. Things are coming to an end. I have all the feelings. I feel really sad right now. My heart pounding and my breath is catching. I am scared and nervous.

I messed up this semester, but I think I have a shot of fixing it. There is so much to do and so little time. I am thankful for these past four years, but I am so glad that it is over. I have found myself, but I have created more questions that need to be answered. Now I must deal with these. I wish I could have done better. I failed, a lot, in college. This is something I didn’t do earlier in my life. I don’t like to deal with things.

I am sitting here listening to classic Fall Out Boy. I started with the first song of the first album. Let us see how far we go. I feel nostalgia, fear, anxiety, and sadness. My life has come to a halt. I have spent four years being busy and relatively feeling the littlest bit important. None of this really matters, but internally I know it does to me. I have spent the past years being used for things that I have thought mattered.

CAUTION: Long ramblings ahead. I felt like writing and it took on how I’ve been shaped by the past 8 years. These include both activities I have been a part of and my relationships.

Freshman year of high school I went to rallys, protests, and pride. This was my first pride. I went to our GSA and was the first time I openly questioned my gender. I found myself and my group. I also was in Japan Club. I also happened to be in French club and philosophy club, part of our orchestra, and in a lot of honors classes. Two languages that year sounds tougher than it was, but I had such a burning passion to study language and culture. This year I dedicated myself to a guy. I fell in love and it was so not worth it. We made plans that no one else would have thought of. In the end he was abusive and was the only one who could be right when discussing absolutely anything.  Thankfully I had the fall back of Indiana Youth Group to help me discover who I was. That was a family whom never judged me no matter what happened. I still love them to this day.

Sophomore year I dated my first bisexual. I don’t know why this seemed interesting, but it was. I am still friends with him, but this was how I realized that sometimes people who aren’t in the “standard” sexuality can be the most understanding. No, his sexuality didn’t matter, but in analyzing where past relationships had been he is the only one I am still friends with. He showed me that relationships don’t always end because the people don’t care, or because they hate each other. He had things happening in his life that he only told me years later when we were friends. We would proceed to date a second time. This was also my first major girlfriend. She was funny and smart. However, this relationship taught me that hiding is detrimental to your mental health. I created a second facebook so I could show my relationship with her, but I know I broke her heart several times. If she ever reads this, I am sorry. I did love you, I just wasn’t prepared for myself. This year I was going to IYG religiously. It helped me find myself. I was still in GSA, Japan club, and philosophy club. I dropped the second language, but I still had the burning passion to argue the reason we think we are alive. I finally felt like I had friends. I dropped the amount of smart people classes I was taking. I also met my other Ex. We will call him shithead (pronounced shi-thead). Here shithead enters and is stereotypical nice guy. Yes, one of those I am so nice, I pay for everything, what is wrong with you, I hate you. I went to prom with him, it was fine. His mom hated me because she thought I was a lesbian. He also was so scared of his own sexuality he said that if I was a trans male he would have to break up with me because he isn’t into guys. This is also the year that I went to the stress center for suicidal ideation. Boy that was fun. Exactly a week after I got out I broke up with him cuz I had feelings for another girl.

Junior year I still went on to all my clubs. I stopped going to philosophy club though because my X1 was there and he ran it with his girlfriend at the time. She had never met me and the hatred rolled in waves whenever I was around. I did join the National Forensics League (speech team) though. This was an amazing experience. I love speech so much. I took a film course in place of my English class and I haven’t enjoyed anything as much since. It was beautiful. I was in PE with a bunch of freshman and I befriended a couple of them. This is how I came to acquire Liam, the Bear. My friend gave him to me and she LOVED ONE DIRECTION. OMG. I went to prom by myself and danced with my best friend. This was also the first year, really, that I had considered my best friend my best friend. Looking back I wouldn’t change anything. It is just funny that neither one of us could have imagined this. She has since saved me so many ties. I also helped run our Gay-straight Alliance. I was made honorary co-president because the others were so busy and graduating. I was also Secretary for Japan club. This was the first year I came out to people that I was gender queer. I made it known.

Senior year of high school was amazing. My amazing friends and I celebrated my 18th birthday at school ( I brought cupcakes and someone else brought pizza).  I had an official birthday party where people actually came. I always felt so alone that this was a huge deal. I got accepted into college. I made it through the hardest of my classes at that time. I got to take a brand new creative writing class which taught me so much. I then got to help him during my study hall. I still did speech. I was also co-president of GSA and President of Japan club. I was so proud of the people I surrounded myself with.

Freshman year of COLLEGE::::::::::::

  • Hung out with shithead a lot. Like I lived with him and his roommate. This was a mistake. He dated my cousin. This was a terrible mistake. What the hell did I do? This is the current thing that fucks me up to this day. I have trauma from this relationship that I never knew I did until I got into my current relationship
  • Joined Feminists for Action. Got into therapy. Made some magical friendships. Actually talked to professors about mental health issues. It was great.

Sophomore year:::::::::::::::

  • Met the love of my life; like seriously she has helped me through so much.
  • Took over a now nonexistent group
  • Still in FA; met guerrilla girl Frida Kahlo (in homage to the famous artist)
  • Had the best school year, but not really cuz I went on academic probation (whoops)
  • Went to Colorado and cried because I knew where my home was
  • Got engaged

Junior year::::::::::::::::::

  • Summer: Saw both Fall Out Boy and Kelly Clarkson
  • Moved into my first apartment
  • Got fired for the first time
  • Joined Gamma Rho Lambda (best decision of my entire life) Thank you so much bbs for letting me into the pack. I love it so much.
  • Found out I identified as a trans male and started coming out.
  • Vice President of FA
  • Secretary of Progressive Student Alliance
  • Alumni coordinator and national delegate for GRL (winter -> fall of senior year)
  • Started doing drag
  • Went to ST. Louis, MO for Convention. Amazing

Senior year:::::::::::::

  • New Member Educator for GRL
  • Diversity Delegate for GRL
  • Lots of road trips in the middle of the night to Ohio
  • Tried Tim Hortons for the first time and it was life changing. OMG please
  • Signed a lease for an adult townhome.
  • Is adulting
  • Started thinking about changing name
  • Got to see Sabrina Carpenter
  • Cried so much that I rival the rain
  • Started writing again
  • Oh, yeah. That thing on my arm? Got my first TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Graduated

I am so thankful for everything I have gotten the honor of doing. I am so lucky for all the people in my life. I am sorry this is a long rambling mess, but if you actually read this wow. Let me say: thank you. I am struggling right now and sometimes I just need to tell people irrelevant bits of my life.

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