This year I realized how much I was lying to myself. I haven’t felt happy in a long time. There has been a lot that I didn’t want to admit to myself.
The first thing I should probably say is Hi! My name is Arin Alexander and my pronouns are he/him. I have always been, I just lied.
I haven’t had the dedication to write or acknowledge what has been going on. I love the people in my life I have just been so afraid of coming out. I don’t know why. I know they would be supportive and I know that most of them would love me the same, but coming out to myself has been a challenge. It hurts some days and then the other days it’s too easy to pretend. I think I will start this new writing challenge with something that seems so simple, but is in all actuality very difficult. I shall start with a letter to myself.
I’m sorry I act as though I’ve never liked you. It isn’t you, it’s me, we. I think our problem started when we tried to trick everyone else. We went too far the opposite of what we were trying to accomplish that we forgot along the way how we act. We praise and promote equality and make it so that everyone has access to the same content, but we are so hard on ourselves. You are so mean to yourself that you hurt rather than face facts. I want to be happy, but you won’t let us. Instead we are constantly fumbling making excuses, trying to explain away all this feeling of guilt and shame. Why should we be shameful? I am throwing caution to the wind. I am saying that I am trans. I am the person that I always knew I was. We would tell others that we would trade anything to be a boy (1st grade), exclaim how deep our voice was and how much it made us sound like a boy (2nd grade), how I would always be the prince in all our scenarios (all the grades), and of course I had that awkward phase where everything had to be pink, I had to wear dresses, etc. I did all the things. I never felt comfortable and I never questioned why.
You can be you. We will fight through all the obstacles. We can make sure that we fight hard. This will be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. I can’t wait to see all the things you do. You deserve this.
Be happy, your past self,