Who am I?

The question is, who do we think we are? Do we get to determine how someone else presents, identifies, etc. We are told no, but then society shouts the opposite. YES!!! Everyone is made to live their life the exact way I want them to. They must present the way and do the thing. Please do the thing because if you don’t it makes me uncomfortable. How dare you do the thing that isn’t what I told you to do?

It makes me doubt myself when I am trying to understand who the hell I am supposed to be when you tell me that this is how I look so I must be this. Why would I want to fit your societal norms when I have never felt normal? Why wouldn’t I want to celebrate who I am and being able to become who I am?

Identities change throughout our lives. Why should we stick ourselves in boxes? I enjoy labels in discussion because it allows us to try and present ourselves to others. However, society teaches us some labels are more important than others. Why is this? Do we hate ourselves this much? Are we really that desperate to make everyone the same? If there is someone you see as threatening to your identity then you need to look at yourself, not blame them.

I’m not changing who I am. I have always been me, but I am changing who the world sees.

Label; the connection of society

via Daily Prompt: Label

I thought it would be cool to do this. Write a response to the one word prompt; the prompt that had everything to do with what I was going to write about this anyway, but the connection was too much I had to talk about how identity flows through us in the we interact with ourselves. How do we get it out of society who we should be?

It starts with who we were born to. The doctor looked at our parents, or our test tubes, and labelled us. They took us, cleaned us, and then gave us a blanket corresponding with our predicted life choices. WE grow up and they expect us to act out exactly what they want us to do, but in reality we rarely do exactly what is expected of us. We mainly do what we want.

So why then is being ourselves so controversial? WE just want to be who we are and sometimes that requires changing how other people see us. Is that so bad? Is it really that wrong to want to show the world exactly who we we have always been, but that the world is just now getting to meet?

Introducing me

This year I realized how much I was lying to myself.  I haven’t felt happy in a long time. There has been a lot that I didn’t want to admit to myself.

The first thing I should probably say is Hi! My name is Arin Alexander and my pronouns are he/him. I have always been, I just lied.

I haven’t had the dedication to write or acknowledge what has been going on. I love the people in my life I have just been so afraid of coming out. I don’t know why. I know they would be supportive and I know that most of them would love me the same, but coming out to myself has been a challenge. It hurts some days and then the other days it’s too easy to pretend. I think I will start this new writing challenge with something that seems so simple, but is in all actuality very difficult. I shall start with a letter to myself.

Dear self,

I’m sorry I act as though I’ve never liked you. It isn’t you, it’s me, we. I think our problem started when we tried to trick everyone else. We went too far the opposite of what we were trying to accomplish that we forgot along the way how we act. We praise and promote equality and make it so that everyone has access to the same content, but we are so hard on ourselves. You are so mean to yourself that you hurt rather than face facts. I want to be happy, but you won’t let us. Instead we are constantly fumbling making excuses, trying to explain away all this feeling of guilt and shame. Why should we be shameful? I am throwing caution to the wind. I am saying that I am trans. I am the person that I always knew I was. We would tell others that we would trade anything to be a boy (1st grade), exclaim how deep our voice was and how much it made us sound like a boy (2nd grade), how I would always be the prince in all our scenarios (all the grades), and of course I had that awkward phase where everything had to be pink, I had to wear dresses, etc. I did all the things. I never felt comfortable and I never questioned why.

You can be you. We will fight through all the obstacles. We can make sure that we fight hard. This will be hard, but it will be worth it in the end. I can’t wait to see all the things you do. You deserve this.

Be happy, your past self,

Arin ❤