When it rains, it pours

Be kind with me, be gentle with me.

By the time I discovered I needed this sign it was too late. The shattered shards shone in the moon light. Everything looks beautiful in the moonlight, even glass bottle spread across the black tar of the road. Beauty: a word I have often heard, but so much deny exists anywhere near my person. Only one can penetrate the barrier surrounding my pit. The walls enough to cover an ancient castle, but for naught I am in the mud cowering in the corner. Even though there is no way for the walls to be dismantled I hide in the corner for fear of someone coming in on the attack.I am already exhausted from the battle that does not exist. My walls hide me from the world I don’t even know exists and yet I am shaking. I get overly worked up and then apologize. I cry my eyes out then slap on a smile. I’m so used to the “I’m sorry” before there is anything to be apologetic about. I am already used to the covering my eyes as the rainstorm begins in the room so that no one else gets struck by lightening. I am so used to the lies that I can’t believe anyone ever when they tell the truth. Unlike most, when they are together until broken, I am shattered until someone can find the goddamned glue to stick me back together. I am a tumultuous, rocky mountain high as the waves crack my surface. I take my heart and shake it out telling it to stop listening so much to my brain. I constantly think that I am not worth it, but my heart knows better. My brain likes to hate everything I do. It shows me terrible images that I would run away from. It would be different if any aspect I had a single create bone in my body, but I suck at creativity and lately the words have run away like a prisoner sentenced to life . I am stuck in a literary prison. Where the hell did this all go? Words, media, pictures, art I got this, I had this, I had.

I believe in everything I have ever committed to. No, that is a lie. I lie, I lied, I have never lied. I am a liar in my own right. I am finding my voice to express how I feel, just bear with me. No matter how much I chip away at the wrongs inside my head it seems as though there is never anything better uncovered below. When I set forth working through it all I hoped there was some gold in the depths of my soul, but now I am questioning the logic of finding the shiny glass in the grass behind my house and thinking it was beauty. IT’s beautiful, I AM BEAUTIFUL. I AM WORTH IT. Why can’t I feel this way? Why does the worth of my soul require the effervescent words from someone else to give me five minutes of hope before I am thrust back into the paradox of the grand jury facing the trial head v heart. I once was good at so much, but now I am so bad that I have no desire to continue doing what I once loved. I can barely get myself to care anymore. All I want to do is be around Alyssa which I’m sure is more time than she would like dedicated to me. I am not reflecting on her or anyone specific. I am reflecting on myself. As much as I never feel I have any time I know I have too much time alone to think inside my head. I have too much time to reflect on every syllable, action, or emotion that has ever occurred in my lifetime. Each breathe I take is a fight I have within myself. The battle is lifelong, but I know it won’t always be misery. Before this week I had been having a fantastic succession of being in an amusing mood. Things had been pleasant, but people around me know I don’t believe in the system of things are good. It has been proven in personal experience that whenever something is going really great chances are something is going to come along to not just test you, but to completely rupture your world. You will be pushed into repeatedly uncomfortable situations which will be used to test what is really important to you in life. I know what is important. I know what I care about and how I need to be better for that, but I need people to understand that it isn’t just me being selfish or mean when something happens and I get upset, I honestly am the type of person who hates change. I like schedules and I like things repeating. I hate when shows get cancelled because it makes me feel as though something is missing. My brain gets disrupted when I am forced to change and when people expect the change instantaniously with no conversation I freeze. When things change in this way I just shut down; I stop what I am doing in order to maintain from being hurt, but often end up hurting myself in the end. I am used to being hurt, I just wish there was a way that I could fix my brain so that I wasn’t always hurting myself. When all people look for are scars they don’t always pay attention to the sallowness in your eyes, how weak your voice is or how hard it is to swallow. When all you want is to hide in the deep hole surrounded by the towering walls what are you supposed to do when someone climbs over with the intention of saving you?

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After All This Time as a Manic Depressed Robot

Trying hard to think of the proper words to say. Don’t laugh at me: I never do this, but alas this time I must. I feel it would be a lie from myself if I told you that I wasn’t impacted by this great man. So many times we complain about the shit in our lives and we think about how hard our lives our. There are people who put so much our in their lifetime to influence others and we never know they are suffering. It is so difficult to understand how  death selects its victims, but the people lately have been done in from cancer and that is such a tragedy, but more than likely if it is cancer it has been there for a while and therefore their suffering and pain, by death’s march, has been ended. Those who spend their lives trying to entertain us and make us happy would not want us falling down in fits of tears. Sure, at first it may seem touching (I know the pain is there and how much it hurts is just too much), but they built this legacy and there is a reason we want to cry so why not celebrate?  They are no longer hurting, they are fine,they went out while they were ahead. I know some of you did not appreciate the character Rickman portrayed in Potter, but I, for one, enjoyed it because yes, he was a pretentious ass, and yes, he did make life difficult, but he never allowed Harry to die.
He did his own thing, but also that was just his character. He always was an interesting character. I grew up watching him and he was one of the only actors I felt the connection to watch all their work. He was inspiring and incredible and I am saddened that there were not more works he was in as of late. He was hilarious and I loved his voice. I know, many of you think this is silly, but looking at my timeline and seeing so many of my friends mourning the loss of this actor I am fairly certain I have chosen the right friends to surround myself with and I am grateful that we are all in this together. While I unfortunately do not have Hitchhikers Guide nor do I have Sweeney Todd I at least have Harry Potter.  I also can watch “epic tea time with Alan Rickman” as many times as I want because really, how awesome is it?

I just want to take this time to say I love you. I know it sounds silly, but if you are at all reading this then you are in my life and therefore a friend. I love you whether we have never met or I talk to you all the time. You are here and you are alive and tomorrow is never guaranteed. I don’t want to take you for granted and think we have all the time in the world. You bring light into my life and forever for that I will be grateful. Thank you all so much for everything. I am very thankful you are here today and I hope to see you tomorrow. Breathe, exist, you are important and you belong. I believe in you. Always.

❤ ~A fellow Slytherin ~ ❤

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Running into the next year.

As the time dwindles down my understanding of the minuscule amount I have written on my blog bogs me into the swamps. I am not here to tell you that with the new year I am going to somehow change who I am or what I do, but instead I am going to make promises to myself. I am going to work on things that I never could have imagined. My plans I have come up with for myself are to better myself not just to ensure I can keep my heart moving in the rhythm I was assigned at birth. No, next year I am going to work on being me and appreciating whatever it I am able to accomplish.

I am counting down the hours, minutes, seconds with the person who means the most to me. I am not worried about what the new year will bring. To be honest I have just fought through the most difficult time in my life. This has been the hardest and most rewarding semester in college because I found a new group to fall in love with, I have made more memories with people who have pushed me through the storm, and I have cried. A LOT. Now, please get on my level when I say this has been the hardest semester ever I mean because it is probably the first semester I have actually tried since coming to college. I have never been prouder because I fought and made myself care. I am disappointed that things didn’t go as well as I originally wanted them to I forget that I started this year (2015) on academic probation and am ending with multiple As on my transcript.

Best of all this year I have learned to believe in myself.I have learned to if not love myself at least appreciate myself. I believe I can do things and this is the first time I have believed that in a really long time. I know that just because I believe it doesn’t mean it will be easy, in fact it will be hard as shit because I will actually hold myself accountable, but with this book closing in a 21 book series I realize that with every new chapter the story gets better. There is so much I need to work on, but I have a partner who is staying by my side and not leaving. I have made it through 100% of my worst days and I believe you can too. I am so proud of the people I have befriended and surrounded myself with. My heart has grown exponentially by being surrounded by people who really care.

Thanks you. Here is to a year of saying less I’m sorry’s and replacing it with more thank you’s. Thank you so much for being my friend. Thank you for not making me feel like the worst person in the world. Thank you for being you and not letting the world put out your flame because you shine too bright for those choosing to live in the dark. There are some people who I am leaving in 2015- they take up too much space that I needed to remove them so that i can move into my space. There are some people who shone too much for the world so they had to join the energy of the galaxy away from this earth. I miss them, I miss so many people, but I hope they understand no matter where I am I love them with everything inside of me. Thank you, wherever you are, by reading this you have in some way shaped me as a person. Thank you for being strong- you may not know it, but I see it in your eyes. When you fall on your knees, the air refusing to allow the exchange between lungs and environment, eyes welling like a burnt out candle- you are strong. goddammit you are the strongest and the best you I have ever seen. You are a beautiful creature and we are so lucky to know you. Thank you for being a reason for me to live.

I have stopped living in the past and started working towards the present and my future. As I say this I have to think of the wonderful things I have gone through this year.

January- I trudged through and half cared about school. I felt deflated. I also went to New Orleans.

February- I spent much needed time with Alyssa and other friends. I kind of just went through this month without much care.

March- I began to plan for the future. I started thinking about living in an apartment. I was also making plans for bigger things in my relationship.

April- Big things happened. I proposed, watched Vagina Monologues, Slut Walk #2, found out where I would be living, started new medication for my depression. I got my first A on a test since I came to college. I went to my first drag show in college and also participated in GRL’s Pie a President.

May- Went to Colorado. This was the first time I had considered living somewhere besides Washington. It was beautiful and I fell in love with it. I also passed all my classes.

June- This wasn’t the best month, but it was something. There were so many changes, but I am glad they happened.  I got to celebrate the mile marker of Marriage Equality. Was on the front of our local newspaper.

July- I said goodbye to a friend who was toxic for me. I also got fired from my job, but that was something I didn’t know I needed until I took time to think about it. I also made Dean’s List for the second time in College. I also saw Fall Out Boy, Kelly Clarkson, Pentatonix, and Rolling Stones.

August- I felt more confident in myself. I moved into my apartment officially. I set up bills and made sure everything was in proper order to live. I was dragged to recruitment events for Gamma Rho Lambda. I cried. Turned 21 and went to Build-a-Bear.

September- Rehearsal, rehearsal, rehearsal. Late nights to prepare for all the things I had to do. Also the start of Progressive Student Alliance, a new club at BSU to help students become more politically aware. Then the Slut Walk. Volunteered for YWCA.

October- Rocky, rocky and lots more Rocky!!!!!! (I love my Rocky Horror family). Spent a lot of time with my sorority. Learned a lot about myself. Also presented with a chance to go to Spain in the summer. Also, celebrated a year with my lovely partner. The littlest member of our family was born. He is precious (and spoiled). Also, performed in my very first Drag Show. I was very lucky to do this and so blessed that people loved it.

November- Studied, planned for the future. I got secretary for the second time for Rocky Horror and also PSA was made official.  I laughed and cried, also I had heart to hearts with a lot of people. I also officially joined Gamma Rho Lambed. This was also the first time I set up a google hangout which became a success.

December- Passed all my classes. I was voted into officer positions for GRL. I stopped having panic attacks daily. I bought myself coloring books. Did secret Santa for Muncie Outreach and also within our sorority.

I am leaving out so much, but these are some of the biggest things that I can look back and appreciate. I know this year was difficult, but that makes it so much better. I already know that whatever 2016 brings me I will be able to deal with it. This was the first year I worked towards not only my mental health, but gender wise with other people. I am more open about myself with other people than I have and I am lucky to have people patient with me as I explore who I am.

See you all next year. ❤