Loser (finals edition)

Fifty million tabs are open on the computer and it’s all because I want to deny everything that I have to do. I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life, but I know that I have too much to do. FOB fired up and my fingers ready for typing and nothing wants to come out.

This has been my day. I had a final and my brain could not remember the word mood. I could not remember such a simple term and I feel stupid. I always want to write a small letter to my professors and apologize to them for me being an idiot. I am usually good with words, but when it comes to telling you words that match the definition on a final i do not know. I will know things, but because it is a test I will forget everything I have ever learned about everything.

Every grade entered in my stats class is like a frozen knife cutting apart my soul. It sounds stupid, but how the hell can I keep getting 8.5, 5, 6.5 out of 15? I got a higher score on an assignment I ripped a page out of than the one I thought I actually understood. I UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THIS IS REFERRING TO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BRAIN???

All my life I have been told I am smart. I am smart, I think. Honestly, college makes me think I am the dumbest thing to walk. I had to hold my breath during my final so the tears wouldn’t well up and ruin the precious papers handed out to us.

It isn’t that important…

*breathe*

You are worth so much more than your grade…

*breathe*

As long as you pass that is all that matters…

*choke on breath*

*run out of classroom*

*cry*

Care for yourself, take care of yourself, you are more important than your finals. But those are all lies. The school system lies to us. We are drones absorbing useless information to memorize and chastized when our throats close up and we choke on the bile that desires asking what the hell and telling that we do not understand.

i don’t understand. and right now I cannot continue pretending I know

 

 

 

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