Hello, it’s Anxiety

I cannot possibly do this. 

It is impossible for me to go on.

The tears soak the inside of my brain and my heart stalls for I can Not possibly continue on this journey.

The thoughts in brain are a race car in a civilian neighborhood. Nothing about this is normal and yet so much I am used to. I don’t know how to change. The worst part about it?

I thought I was getting better.

My bones are rubbing together forcing music out with my breath. I cannot breathe. I cannot think. I have finals and all I want to do is pretend to be someone else. This is where it hits the hardest.

The deathly looks I get when I say I cannot afford something for charity, because I literally just gave to charity. I am panic stricken as I face down my own tone when something doesn’t go right, but then I whisper my apologies and dwell in my own personal hell that doesn’t have any right to exist. I am fine, but my brain likes to swirl like the teletubbies custard. My stomach recoils and desires the emptying of its nonexistent contents. I just wish I knew that I could do it, but my brain doesn’t work that way.

Instead I will sit here watching my Facebook tab, holding my breath for the name to pop up on the screen, and then squeezing my eyes shut when disappointed. It is my fault and that is all I know.

It isn’t my fault. I overreacted, but no one is at fault.This is just something stupid that happens sometimes. My brain brought gasoline.

I want to be different. I want something about me to stand out, but that very sentiment puts me in the box to be the same. I feel dull and alone. There is no true answer to who I should be and I don’t know what to do with that.

All I know is that I am not okay and it is all in my head.

-A

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