Loser (finals edition)

Fifty million tabs are open on the computer and it’s all because I want to deny everything that I have to do. I have no idea what the hell I am doing with my life, but I know that I have too much to do. FOB fired up and my fingers ready for typing and nothing wants to come out.

This has been my day. I had a final and my brain could not remember the word mood. I could not remember such a simple term and I feel stupid. I always want to write a small letter to my professors and apologize to them for me being an idiot. I am usually good with words, but when it comes to telling you words that match the definition on a final i do not know. I will know things, but because it is a test I will forget everything I have ever learned about everything.

Every grade entered in my stats class is like a frozen knife cutting apart my soul. It sounds stupid, but how the hell can I keep getting 8.5, 5, 6.5 out of 15? I got a higher score on an assignment I ripped a page out of than the one I thought I actually understood. I UNDERSTAND WHAT THE HELL THIS IS REFERRING TO WHERE THE FUCK IS MY BRAIN???

All my life I have been told I am smart. I am smart, I think. Honestly, college makes me think I am the dumbest thing to walk. I had to hold my breath during my final so the tears wouldn’t well up and ruin the precious papers handed out to us.

It isn’t that important…

*breathe*

You are worth so much more than your grade…

*breathe*

As long as you pass that is all that matters…

*choke on breath*

*run out of classroom*

*cry*

Care for yourself, take care of yourself, you are more important than your finals. But those are all lies. The school system lies to us. We are drones absorbing useless information to memorize and chastized when our throats close up and we choke on the bile that desires asking what the hell and telling that we do not understand.

i don’t understand. and right now I cannot continue pretending I know

 

 

 

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Hello, it’s Anxiety

I cannot possibly do this. 

It is impossible for me to go on.

The tears soak the inside of my brain and my heart stalls for I can Not possibly continue on this journey.

The thoughts in brain are a race car in a civilian neighborhood. Nothing about this is normal and yet so much I am used to. I don’t know how to change. The worst part about it?

I thought I was getting better.

My bones are rubbing together forcing music out with my breath. I cannot breathe. I cannot think. I have finals and all I want to do is pretend to be someone else. This is where it hits the hardest.

The deathly looks I get when I say I cannot afford something for charity, because I literally just gave to charity. I am panic stricken as I face down my own tone when something doesn’t go right, but then I whisper my apologies and dwell in my own personal hell that doesn’t have any right to exist. I am fine, but my brain likes to swirl like the teletubbies custard. My stomach recoils and desires the emptying of its nonexistent contents. I just wish I knew that I could do it, but my brain doesn’t work that way.

Instead I will sit here watching my Facebook tab, holding my breath for the name to pop up on the screen, and then squeezing my eyes shut when disappointed. It is my fault and that is all I know.

It isn’t my fault. I overreacted, but no one is at fault.This is just something stupid that happens sometimes. My brain brought gasoline.

I want to be different. I want something about me to stand out, but that very sentiment puts me in the box to be the same. I feel dull and alone. There is no true answer to who I should be and I don’t know what to do with that.

All I know is that I am not okay and it is all in my head.

-A