The Time Has Come

Please, do not fear for anything. There are so many things that I do not know if everything will come out, but I need something to come out. If I do not force this to come out I will scream.

Currently sitting in the Student Center listening to music. My head hurts so bad, but I need the music so that I do not explode. If I did not have it I would literally blow up from everything.

Sometimes I don’t think I can do it. I cannot do this, I am working hard and it will never be good enough. If I do not make this I will die for I have finally found my family, I found my life. I do not understand why this has to happen to me, but it fits in with everything I do I fail. My life is shit and I should not be honored to call so many people my friends or my family, but for some reason they allow me to.

I am finally officially a member of my sorority and I am so thankful. I love them and they all feel wonderfully like home, but there are still times when I feel annoying, but not just to them as much as for everyone in my life.

I know I am jumping around, but there is nota proper way for me to actually structure this set. My thoughts have to come out and it may just be a way to keep myself from acknowledging and admitting what is wrong, but there is something so terrifying about admitting anything.

Though there is something I did that was good- I called out professor for calling me ma’am in class. No, I didn’t go all ape on him and cuss him out- I emailed him and told him he did it repeatedly and that it bothered me to the dimension I was not expecting.

I have never enjoyed the term ma’am. That term is like the cousin no one talks about unless they show up for their mandated ten minutes at Thanksgiving; all you know is they dropped out of school and moved in with their boyfriend. I do not like it. Never have, but it took me until this year to realize why exactly that term bothered me so much. At first I thought it was because it reminds me of something that someone only calls old ladies. Some say they view it as a respect thing, but by calling me ma’am you are removing all form of respect for me.

This is the first post I am making admitting that gendered terms bother me. I am not your little girl, I am not ma’am. i am me, sometimes a boy, mostly nongendered. Gender bothers me. Gender is the social construct that we rely on for making our decisions about how we should feel about people, but I say no! Why the hell should I have to put up with this just because it makes you more comfortable.

I worry for my brothers and sisters who are at IUPUI. They are getting nongendered bathrooms and people are up in arms about it. They are frustrated that the school is wasting money on things that aren’t needed. The yakkers state that the people should get over and go to the bathroom that matches what they were born with, but that is such a transphobic sentiment. I know Ball State is not the best, but it makes me feel lucky that we don’t have as much open backlash towards the community. We have some bathrooms that are neutral and that is amazing. My question is when did it get so offensive to think that someone should be able to use the bathroom without fear of retaliation. I have seen stories of my friends being ID’d at the mall or movie theater while they were going to the bathroom. This mass hysteria over a bathroom is room for alarm. It is not your job to tell us what we should and should not be afraid of. If you are giving statistics about trans people feeling threatened I do NOT care how small the number you are giving. If there is 1 person who is uncomfortable and feels threatened that is 1 too many. Screw you mister on Yik Yak who says that there are only 2 on IUPUI campus who admitted to feeling threatened. You know what? I do not always answer honestly on those sorts of surveys. Dysphoria is real, the need to feel safe while going to the bathroom is important, and trans lives matter.

Peace out girl scout,

A.H.

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