The Time Has Come

Please, do not fear for anything. There are so many things that I do not know if everything will come out, but I need something to come out. If I do not force this to come out I will scream.

Currently sitting in the Student Center listening to music. My head hurts so bad, but I need the music so that I do not explode. If I did not have it I would literally blow up from everything.

Sometimes I don’t think I can do it. I cannot do this, I am working hard and it will never be good enough. If I do not make this I will die for I have finally found my family, I found my life. I do not understand why this has to happen to me, but it fits in with everything I do I fail. My life is shit and I should not be honored to call so many people my friends or my family, but for some reason they allow me to.

I am finally officially a member of my sorority and I am so thankful. I love them and they all feel wonderfully like home, but there are still times when I feel annoying, but not just to them as much as for everyone in my life.

I know I am jumping around, but there is nota proper way for me to actually structure this set. My thoughts have to come out and it may just be a way to keep myself from acknowledging and admitting what is wrong, but there is something so terrifying about admitting anything.

Though there is something I did that was good- I called out professor for calling me ma’am in class. No, I didn’t go all ape on him and cuss him out- I emailed him and told him he did it repeatedly and that it bothered me to the dimension I was not expecting.

I have never enjoyed the term ma’am. That term is like the cousin no one talks about unless they show up for their mandated ten minutes at Thanksgiving; all you know is they dropped out of school and moved in with their boyfriend. I do not like it. Never have, but it took me until this year to realize why exactly that term bothered me so much. At first I thought it was because it reminds me of something that someone only calls old ladies. Some say they view it as a respect thing, but by calling me ma’am you are removing all form of respect for me.

This is the first post I am making admitting that gendered terms bother me. I am not your little girl, I am not ma’am. i am me, sometimes a boy, mostly nongendered. Gender bothers me. Gender is the social construct that we rely on for making our decisions about how we should feel about people, but I say no! Why the hell should I have to put up with this just because it makes you more comfortable.

I worry for my brothers and sisters who are at IUPUI. They are getting nongendered bathrooms and people are up in arms about it. They are frustrated that the school is wasting money on things that aren’t needed. The yakkers state that the people should get over and go to the bathroom that matches what they were born with, but that is such a transphobic sentiment. I know Ball State is not the best, but it makes me feel lucky that we don’t have as much open backlash towards the community. We have some bathrooms that are neutral and that is amazing. My question is when did it get so offensive to think that someone should be able to use the bathroom without fear of retaliation. I have seen stories of my friends being ID’d at the mall or movie theater while they were going to the bathroom. This mass hysteria over a bathroom is room for alarm. It is not your job to tell us what we should and should not be afraid of. If you are giving statistics about trans people feeling threatened I do NOT care how small the number you are giving. If there is 1 person who is uncomfortable and feels threatened that is 1 too many. Screw you mister on Yik Yak who says that there are only 2 on IUPUI campus who admitted to feeling threatened. You know what? I do not always answer honestly on those sorts of surveys. Dysphoria is real, the need to feel safe while going to the bathroom is important, and trans lives matter.

Peace out girl scout,

A.H.

A.V.

I love you.

Sometimes the mountains are high, so high I can not fathom the energy to climb. When I wake up in the middle of the night to hear the tickling air rushing through your nose. I giggle at times while you are by my side because you are my best friend and I miss you all the time. I see you everyday, but it doesn’t change that from the first moment I saw you I have never been the same. Thank you for every bit of life you have blown back into me, I honestly breathe much easier with you holding my hand.

You start the Fire, I’ll bring the shame

Fuck.

All my thoughts everyday start with this: fuck you, fuck them, fuck this, and best of all fuck up. I am. Or I do? Maybe I don’t ask the real questions, but once I get stuck on something it decides to dig in until I am gasping for breath beyond the despair. I never knew that out in the open the air could be so thin, but I know all too well the harshness that comes from the pleading of breathing and the constipation of my lungs as my throat clenches like an anal retentive American sweetheart pushed into the outline of her life.  Continue reading

October in Review… November is New

Hey peeps!

So I have not been keeping up, I have been so busy and also a little down. So here it is. It might be long, short; I am not completely sure. I just know that I am bunching things up together.

So to review I did a lot of things in October. First of all I did my very first ever drag show. It was a thrill of a lifetime and I cannot wait to do it again. I was going to post about it the night I did it, but I was so exhausted and then got super busy, so yeah! That definitely happened. I usually get nervous for stuff like that, but honestly I felt all the nerves leave my body and I left it all in the Gym, no seriously I threw a bunch of my clothes onto the ground and had to scrounge them up after the show. Haha, that was amazing and I already have big plans for next show. I had people come up to me after the show and in public and tell me they saw me and how wonderful I was which almost made me cry.

Then on Halloween I took part in my second Rocky Horror Shadow cast and it was an absolute blast. All these things bring me more and more family.

This month, November, has just  started and yet has already had so much happened. I can not wait to see all the wonderful things that are waiting for me. I have been fighting my depression and for the most part I feel better. I have barely cried all November which is nice, but we shall see what the new season brings.